MATTHEW BAUM
Scallion Editor
It was announced on Thursday that President Biden is meeting with his cabinet about the plausibility of forcing a stop in the Panama Canal.
Experts say it seems like this action is supposed to parallel the recent blocking of the Suez Canal, which recently wrapped up when the Ever Given righted itself after over three days of blockage.
In a press briefing, Biden’s secretary, Jen Psaki, made very quick work of mentioning the action and tried valiantly to move on to another topic, but was overrun with questions about the bizarre endeavor.
“Here’s the thing, folks, I don’t know why exactly he wants to make this move, but I was told to tell you that it’s to, and I quote, ‘stand in solidarity with our European allies who had gone several days without their shipments.’”
When asked about the level of priority this project was taking, Psaki was quick to answer, “It’s all the way at the top. Hopefully we can partake in this sign of respect quickly and move on with our lives, but at this point it’s anybody’s guess.”
Members of Congress are split on their opinions of the odd choice.
Senator Tammy Duckworth of Illinois said this choice is “woefully misled” and “an embarrassment to the office of the President.”
Representative William Timmons of South Carolina, on the other hand, seemed very pleased with the idea of blocking a major international trade route for a purely-symbolic message of unity.
“I think that’s the funniest damn thing I’ve heard all day! Y’know, South Carolina ain’t exactly Disney World, and not too much is going on over there. This has made my day!”
In a national address made later that evening, President Biden announced that he is planning to send a fleet of aircraft carriers to block the Panama Canal by force. This armada, led by the USS Eisenhower, will remain at each end of the canal for a total of 30 days, and are slated to arrive late Saturday night.
It’s unclear how thrilled the rest of the world’s governments are going to respond to the scheduled blockage, but a national poll concerning Biden’s approval rating will be published by Axios on Tuesday.
While many may find this an odd choice, it is clear that Biden’s main goals in office are beginning to impact the way he governs.
While he spoke loftily during the campaign about the sweeping effects that would take place soon after his arrival to the office, his true intentions seem to be guaranteeing that none of the powers that be are upset by choices he makes, excluding the constituents that put him into his station.
By blocking the Panama Canal, not only is he making an empty motion of empathy towards the totally fine Europeans, but he is also taking time out of his day that could have been spent checking boxes off the list of promises he made to the American people.
In many ways, this event is similar to the cuts and omissions that went through the initial relief bill in order to satiate the minority Republicans in the House and Senate. All in a day’s work, I suppose.