BRIAN CECALA
Staff Scallywag
[EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was written a week before and published a day before Prince Philip died. The timing was not intentional, and The Leader staff expresses its best wishes to the royal family.]
Prince Philip looks like he’s just barely hanging in there. Google him, right now. That man looks like one bad fall and I don’t think a Life Alert will do him any service. We here at the Scallion hope Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh gets to live another 100 years. However, if he were to step foot in our lil’ Fredonia campus, we would suggest he avoid the following scenarios and places. Here’s our list of things that would probably kill Prince Philip.
- Italian Week at the Blue Devil Grill. This is not merely an extension of my personal never-ending war with Italian Week. This is a genuine concern; the lasagna served there is not real food and the lack of nutrition would cause his body to eat itself immediately for emergency nourishment.
- Outside. There are multiple factors of the Fredonia biosphere that could be life-ending threatening to the Prince. Chief among them is the dog food air quality that we know and love. One whiff of that quality fresh air and the antibodies in his system will think the Black Plague resurfaced. Secondly, I have no strong numbers of the Prince’s weight, but a strong estimate is that he is about 3 pounds (.45 British pounds). This would cause him to be swept away by the wind never to be seen again.
- Anime Club. Look, I’ve never been to Anime Club, but I have it in solid word that the members would probably kill him for not knowing who Goku or Deku is.
- That guy who kept lighting things on fire in Mason last year. The Mason arsonist, whom I believe was never caught, still lurks around these halls. Who knows where his violence ends and begins?! Prince Philip should probably just avoid Mason altogether to be safe.
- Introduction to Devised Theatre. It’s theatre but also its free-form expressionism and movement-based improvised storytelling? I don’t wish devised theatre on my worst enemy so please keep him away from the class.
- Canadaway Street. Do I even need to explain this one? COVID-19, wannabe frat boys — and also I don’t trust him not to fall into the river.
- The guy who wore the MAGA hat on campus. He’s still pissed about the Revolutionary War; DO NOT let him near the Royal Family.
- Musical theatre majors. I refuse to give them the attention they crave by talking about them any more than this. Moving on.
- Sunny’s. I’m scared to go to Sunny’s for my own health and safety. While I do think Prince Philip would get down to the hard jams and bust-a-move on the dance floor, I am scared he will get into a fight for looking too fresh and funky on the dance floor. He should just go to BJ’s.
My man Prince P should probably just avoid our humble little town altogether. We’re just too dangerous for his feeble little body.
(Note for the editors: Maybe we should put a trigger warning at the beginning of this article? I feel bad bringing up Italian Week at the Blue Devil Grill without warning students who might have eaten it once).