JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
While many of Fredonia’s mysteries may remain that way for a while, (the list goes on, but I’ll just quietly mention the Mason arsonist so I don’t have to talk about the dog food smell) I have one that I solved through the course of one day. The results? Haha. Just you wait, buddy. I know for sure the information I gathered will knock your knickers off.
There is one building that is causing a ruckus in all of our lives: Thompson Hall.
What the heck is even in that thing? It looks like a giant brick.
The windows are so sparse you will never get equal air flow in any room. When you’re inside a classroom, it’s either extremely hot or extremely cold and there’s no in between. You get a workout every single time you climb the three flights of stairs, and honestly they should add that to the gym right now.
Most importantly, everyone I know feels a weird aura around the whole building. Whenever they pass it, shivers flood their whole body, right down to the bone.
What is this enigma, why is it like this and what is hiding inside? I’m here to answer all of your undying questions.
If you’ve ever seen a map of Thompson, you know it’s a maze in there. Even if you know what number your classroom is, it takes like 30 minutes to get there because you make random twists and turns on the way to your destination. Sometimes, you even walk one hallway, turn, and you’re literally in the same exact hallway.
The air flow is atrocious and the air in the rooms are completely still. Have you ever sat in Thompson to learn or study? You can’t help but turn into a statue yourself.
For all of these reasons, I came to this conclusion: There is a black hole at the center of Thompson Hall.
If you’ve ever been inside a classroom in the middle of the building, I have a theory that you actually got sucked into a black hole and you think you’re back, when really, it’s an alternate universe version of yourself that fulfilled our idea of you. You are in another bricky Thompson far, far away.
Such anomalies spread throughout Thompson can only mean that Thompson is the beholder of a glorious, frightening black hole that acts as a wormhole into the void. We have entered the void.
Are we all in the void right now? Perhaps. Perhaps we are all Thompson Hall.
Airflow in the void doesn’t exist. An easy pathway to class in the void doesn’t exist. A nice, even temperature in the void doesn’t exist. In the void, nothing exists. Thompson meets all the criteria.
The reason why we’ve never seen it is because the CIA found it first and is covering it up with a fake map. It’s a maze because there’s a center that we always work around but never feel — that’s why it feels like such a maze when we walk through it. It’s dizzying! It’s because we’re pulled to a source we can’t see… yet.
Because of this revolutionary theory, I have created a club called “Thompson Sucks — Investigation Group” (“sucks” referring to the way a black hole will “suck” things in its path, obviously). If you feel like this article resonates in your detective mind, join.
Also, for Fredonia rules reasons, I must tell you this isn’t actually a “confirmed” club because when I brought it up to become official they didn’t want it. They’re just black hole deniers.
We will never see what’s really in the middle of Thompson Hall, but whatever it is, Fredonia really went out of its way to cover it up. Keep your eye out.