JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
In case you didn’t know, in 2019 someone was setting fire to Mason Hall garbage cans.
From my understanding, and from the police blotters (not the Scallion ones but those work too for the most accurate police blotters), they reported at least five fires started in Mason.
No one knows exactly why anyone would do this or who did it. Heck, this arsonist could have been a student, faculty member or an alien (Just saying, if it was an alien, that would be SICK, but I highly doubt an alien would want to visit Fredonia).
I’m curious. Yes, it happened in 2019, but that alone adds to the flavor of mystery that I have been savoring.
Now, I want to taste victory and their defeat. It’ll be… sweet. I’m not gonna out them, though, obviously. It’s just for me. ‘Cause I think I should’ve been the garbage they set on fire.
So, I went on Tinder. “Why,” you ask?
Well, I can’t just tweet “Mason arsonist, please message me” because that’ll look suspicious and I would never be a narc.
I also can’t post anything on Facebook. I don’t want my mom to see I’m luring someone in like that.
Basically, Tinder is the best option.
My bio read as follows:
“somebody call 911 shawty fire burning on the dance floor xoxo ok seriously tho i wish i was shawty fire burning on the dance floor! i LOVE fires in garbage cans, they’re flavorful and artsy… basically i have a big crush on the mason arsonist <3”
A few minutes later, I got some interesting messages. A few were pick-up lines from people who don’t read bios because I’m just hot (haha), and some that asked what I’m looking for. Well, CLEARLY, I’m looking for the Mason arsonist, so I just said “if you aren’t the mason arsonist just go xoxo.”
Soon enough, I got a peculiar message. It said, “what if I told you… I was the Mason arsonist?”
I just about cream-cheesed my bagel from excitement.
So, we had a conversation, and they proved to me they were the arsonist with pictures of them with an edit of a leaked pic from the up-and-coming cinematic masterpiece, “Cats” (2019).
Specifically, they showed Bombalurina played by Taylor Swift popping out of each fiery can while they sat right in front of the can giving a big thumbs up while wearing clout glasses. I still wonder how they got such high-quality pics since the movie wasn’t released until December, but I guess I’ll never question the Mason arsonist on what they can and cannot do with unreleased movies.
I asked why they did it. They said it was “for the memes, bro” and I guess I’ll accept that answer.
I asked why Mason specifically and they said that it would “make an artistic statement.” I’ll believe that, I guess, but only because I just wanted to be as popular as the Mason garbage cans. Set fire to me!!!
So, we went on a date in a practice room (don’t actually do this, I only did it because I was wearing a fireproof mask) to set the mood.
My big question was going to be, “will you set fire to me?” However, I think this romantic stuff kind of got in the way after talking so long about fires.
I ended up asking: “Will you set fire to my soul?” Barf. I just wanna be a garbage can.
Did we kiss? You’ll never know.
Am I dating the Mason arsonist? I’ll never tell.
I’ll just let you know this: I’m not a narc, just a little garbage can.
Yes, they’re still thriving, okay? Maybe they’ll set fires in Starbucks now.
That’s not a suggestion, please don’t do that, I’m only kidding. I promise.
One day, I will be set on fire by the Mason arsonist.