BRIAN CECALA
Staff Scallywag
University Police understands that tensions between police and civilians are at an all-time high. The Fredonia police wanted to make the notters something we can all enjoy. So for today’s edition of the notters, the team decided to add some memes into the reports to spice it up.
Monday, April 5, 3:44 p.m.
Police respond to an incident of a student looking sus, so the officers called an emergency meeting. The officers on the scene ruled there was an imposter among us and ejected the student from the campus. The student is expelled and no longer allowed to return to campus.
Monday, April 5, 7:21 p.m.
Officers responded to a reported incident of assault. A manhunt for the suspect ensued. Police crafted diamond pickaxes and chased the subject to the top of Maytum Hall. The suspect was able to jump off Mayum with the use of a parachute. Officer Rick Latonio jumped off the building and crafted a boat mid-air to soften the blow. Latonio suffered lethal injuries from the impact, as that’s not how the real world works.
Wednesday, April 7, 4:54 p.m.
Officers arrived on the scene to Cranston and repeatedly pointed at food saying, “aye yo this food bussing” in an attempt to make the students laugh and find cops more relatable. The officers were violently booed out of the area. They apologize and intend to do better going forward.
Friday, April 9, 8:43 p.m.
Officers found a Charizard on campus! They caught it with an ultra ball and a pinap berry.
(Note to the editors: Do people still play Pokemon Go? Delete this entry if they don’t, I don’t wanna look stupid).
Tuesday, April 13, 9:20 a.m.
Officers decided to engage in more morale-boosting to lift students’ spirits and fight burnout. Several officers stood outside Starbucks holding signs that read “Yes Queen!” “Go Off! Slay” and “ACAB” however, students did not find this amusing either. Please, they just want you to like them!