JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
I gotta say, I am so freaking excited to be talking about holding hands without feeling bad about it. I don’t know if anyone else remembers, but I love talking about holding hands and maybe kissing.
I especially still hold a love for the Willy C’s silhouettes, despite me never going there anymore because the lines are too long and I am an impatient shrew.
(I’d also like to acknowledge that there are sixty-nine [69] pages in the Scallion section right now on The Leader website, so if you want to experience absolute bliss it may be gone by now, but you just have to trust me).
Anyways, let’s get back on track and look at the amazing progress we are making at Fredonia right now. Only like two people have contracted the COVID virus. Sick!
With that in mind, I think it’s safe to say we can all kiss and hold hands again. Why? Well, bud, I gotta tell you, I’m double-vaxxed and triple-loaded in my love bank. If you’re fully vaxxed, I give you full permission to kiss and be cute, for I am, in secret, the love doctor.
With this new information, you must keep in mind the absolute swag of being fully vaxxed. Not only do you feel hotter, but you are also safer. I feel so hot now that I can kiss again! I kissed my friend, my roommate, my boyfriend, my hermit crab and even the door handle that leads into the back door of Grissom Hall. DO IT!!!
Also, I just want to say something super secret that I haven’t told ANYONE yet. Keep it a secret since this is probably the most swaggerino thing you will ever hear about. The vaccine CURED my lactose intolerance!
If you’re lactose intolerant, please chug milk as soon as you get the second vaccination because I promise you won’t regret it. In fact, you’ll feel utterly godly if you chug some milk. Maybe even have a slice of American cheese. I’m actually not entirely sure if that is cheese. Anyways, have a whole wheel of parmesan. (For my Italians out there, I have a great respect for you, so please have the parmigiano-reggiano).
I walked into Starbucks, ordered a venti whole milk with a shot of espresso with whipped cream and chugged the whole thing. Let me tell you, I have not felt a single thing since then. It’s been a day. So I’m doing great!!
After I consumed the beverage, I even went on a rampage and completed every single one of my exams with a word and a half. I submitted them by printing them off at the library and sent them with a magical messenger pigeon. I can show you each paper I wrote right now:
First essay: Obama won.
Second essay: Big boob.
Third essay: Teet.
I only had three papers, so I think I did the job. I did not talk about holding hands in my essays because I was sort of afraid that my professors would feel lonely if I did since I hold so many hands and kiss so many people that they would never be able to catch up. However, if I did in fact write an essay about holding hands and kissing, I would probably just submit this article.
Please enjoy kissing and hand holding if you are vaccinated!!!!!!