JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
If you live in the United States, or maybe even other places, I’m sure you’ve heard we have to wear masks. This mandate has been in place for a while and it’s caused a bit of a stir.
Well, I’ve been ruminating; I don’t think it’s a good idea to continue wearing masks, and I have a few reasons why. With enough support, maybe I could get us to stop this heinous idea of wearing masks indefinitely.
First of all, I saw some sports-goers (sorry, I don’t know a single sport) wearing a big mask that looked like a freaking cage.
No thanks! I’m no bird!
Pardon me, but how the heck is this useful at all? Why do you wanna look so big and clunky with those bars?
Unnecessary. I don’t know about you, but it absolutely stinks that we have to remember sports exist AND let the sports players wear such strange attire. It is completely against their will to look so trapped and scared. Hang on! We will stop this!
As an acting major, which is precisely the reason I don’t know anything about sports, it is absolutely appalling how often we’ve been wearing these masks recently. In ancient Greek theater, actors had to wear these freaky-looking masks that fully hid their faces and portrayed a single emotion.
They were GROSS. They look like absolute demons with the structure of their faces. I mean, I’ve mostly seen these online, but either way, they’re nasty and I’m so ashamed of myself for once enjoying their majesty. If I see one IRL I will freak the freak out! HYUCK! I can’t even bear it anymore.
Also, has anyone ever seen that spooky beak-looking plague witch doctor mask? I’ve got a qualm with those menaces. If I ever saw one within five feet of me, I would blow that sucker off a peasant’s face with a full-battery-charged uppercut. Not hitting the person’s face, though, because I spare mercy upon sinners.
I think it is absolutely ridiculous that we have to cover the human face because that is not what God intended. We’re just not human with a mask on! Like, I can hardly even tell a human is under there. The masks are so disturbing, I nearly pee myself in fear on a daily basis.
I will say, though, if there was a pandemic with a potentially fatal disease as its catalyst, maybe I would wear one JUST IN CASE. Okay? But for real, though, otherwise I probably wouldn’t wear any one of those dastardly things.
So, what have I been wearing ever since this weird mandate? Well, I’m quite glad you asked. I’ve actually been wearing a horse mask because I wanted to be cute and quirky. It looks good, matches with any outfit and literally everyone I’ve seen thinks it’s cool. They’re right. It is definitely the coolest mask. I totally advise you to buy yourself a horse mask because you will be cooler than anyone else.