The Leader
Scallion

[SATIRE] Join the Scallion, you cowards

MATTHEW BAUM

Scallion Editor 

Hey. HEY.

Listen up, I’m only gonna type this once: 

Write. 

For. 

The. 

Scallion. 

Graphic by Malana Chen. Text by Jules Hoepting.

There is nothing better than taking 45 minutes or less out of your week to write a silly little article that you make up out of thin air for the college newspaper. I’ve checked. This is the peak of the premier human experience. 

I cannot stress how rewarding it is to write a creative piece of literature and know that you’ll have your works seen and chortled at by tens of people every few weeks when they flip through the printed Leader and land on the back few pages. It’s a thrill ride.

If you want to experience what it’s like to be a professional fiction writer, it is within your best interests to email me at baum0866@fredonia.edu and announce your devotion to the satirical cause, at which point we will schedule a time for you to learn more about the position and enact an oath of blood in the name of Hal Scallion. 

What’s that? You don’t want to make a corporeal sacrifice to the onion-y demon lord that plagues the cubicle in the Williams Center which I plop my bones into in order to siphon off some of its unholy funny ha-has?

You don’t think that sounds like a good time? Well, look here, buckaroo — I’m about as thrilled to be here as I am to be plunged out of my sleep and haunted by visions of the vegetable archdemon that compels me to grow the ranks of its satirical legion! I don’t want to do this! But I MUST! For the SCALLION OF DARKNESS BECKONS ME SO!

So, yeah. Join the Scallion. Please.

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