MATTHEW BAUM
Editor of The Scallion
It’s no surprise to me that we have invasive operatives amongst us.
What!? We live in a perfect society where nobody has special interests in our college student lives!? In your wildest dreams!
No, it makes perfect sense to me that there are forces out of our control, sent out to watch our every move.
Where we go, what we do, who we love — all of these factors can be carefully plugged into an advertiser’s algorithms to sell us on the most unique, most delightful, most insidious form of complacency. By doing too much to keep us comfortable, the heads of corporations that set the world around its axis can go about their day unhindered by our commercially-nullified voices that yearn for a truly equitable world.
Anyway, all this to say I think the groundhog that hangs out around the Fredonia campus is a spy that has been sent to watch us and tell her higher-ups our cultural habits. This is to better improve targeted marketing, leading us down an ever-more-slippery slope towards pure consumerist hellscape.
I had wanted to get an exclusive report from the groundhog herself, but I was afraid the little bastard would bite me she wasn’t available for an exclusive. So, I have asked my Scallywag Jay Byron to follow up with her, and to keep an ear open for any more talk about large arboreal rodents that are joining our community.
Stay vigilant, folks, and be sure to not mention your spending habits around any large arboreal rodents. They can hear everything.