JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
Hi guys this is my first time writing horoscopes so please be kind. However you must BE AWARE. I know a lot.
How close the signs are to losing their marbles this week and what you can do to prevent it:
Aries: not close to losing your marbles at ALL. you have burger wednesday. you’ll be fine.
Taurus: you have one more marble left to lose and you’re holding onto it for dear life. order d.p. dough cinnamon stix.
Gemini: you’re stealing other peoples’ marbles??????? chill out???? go file your fafsa!
Cancer: you lost all of them because you kept willingly giving them to other people. PLEASE DRINK WATER AND LAY OFF THE WHITE CLAWS. THEY’RE NOT THAT GOOD.
Leo: you’re not that close to losing your marbles, but you can help yourself even more by touching grass.
Virgo: all of your marbles are intact! beware because i know you’re gemini’s next target. btw, eat an orange or you’ll get scurvy.
Libra: you have five marbles left. why do you keep looking at oncourse every ten minutes? turn off your computer for a while and play just dance via youtube video.
Scorpio: gemini has been stealing your marbles but you enjoy it for some reason? do downward dog into child’s pose RIGHT NOW.
Sagittarius: you haven’t lost any of your marbles but you should have! have you taken a look at your upcoming huge project that you need to do? i think not. gotcha.
Capricorn: you have half of your marbles left and it’s because you think you have COVID. go get tested. and buy that thing you’ve been wanting to buy. you deserve it.
Aquarius: gemini took a marble but then you bit them. sing the song of your people in a mason practice room.
Pisces: did you give some of your marbles to virgo?? where are they? whatever. sit at a tim horton’s table after ordering a large vanilla cold brew like you’re the main character.