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Scallion

[SATIRE] The Scallion wants me to kill the Queen of England

BRIAN CECALA

Staff Scallywag

photo by: Lydia A Turcios, Ash Maloney

Hey readers, it’s Brian Cecala here with a new article. Now the last time I wrote about a member of the royal family (See: “Things at Fredonia that would probably kill Prince Philip”), that member of the family died. Now, this was not intentional on my part! I cannot truthfully say that I have the power to kill the people who appear in my articles … but I also can’t say that isn’t the case either. My boss and Editor for The Scallion, Matthew Baum, asked me to take round two to the royal family and see if The Scallion is the Death Note and I am Ryuk. With this in mind, I promised Matt to make this legally binding statement.

“I, Matthew Marc Baum, do solemnly and in clear conscience take full responsibility for the death of Queen of England Elizabeth II should her untimely passing come at the same time as this article. Brian Cecala is clear of all legal proceedings and punishments and I, Matthew Marc Baum, will in place be held accountable for the actions of my writer.”

  • Matthew Marc Baum

The following passages will be my submitted article about the Queen making it officially part of The Scallion’s articles. So without further ado, here is my article unedited, uncensored, and uncut:

Hey guys, wouldn’t it be funny if the Queen of England slipped on a banana peel and bonked her head?

The End.

The Scallion will keep its reader informed on the outcome of this experiment.

 

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