JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
The other day, I was scrolling on my phone like any zoomer might do. I checked every single social media account for something to catch my eye, but alas, I was brought to boredom. Nothing was doing it for me. Why is this world so boring? I just needed something — anything — to make me feel alive.
Finally, when I went back to my home screen, the glorious Apple News notification awoke me to a new adventure with the headline, “Why beavers were parachuted into the Idaho wilderness 73 years ago.”
Now, you could say I was “excited,” but that would be a disgusting understatement. I was drenched with utter ecstasy. I didn’t need any further explanation — in fact, I didn’t even need to read the dang article. I was so entranced with the thought of beavers floating down onto the ground via parachute. Do beavers know how parachutes work? Apparently so. Do I know how parachutes work? No. Do I understand parachutes less than a beaver does? Absolutely.
I’m just saying, we could all learn a little something from these fine fellows. Beavers are geniuses in disguise. I know what you’re thinking: “But Jay, they’re just stupid rodents with pancake tails.” A week ago, I may have agreed. Now, I must convince everyone on campus of an idea that may change the world forever.
We should definitely parachute beavers onto the Fredonia campus.
With the information received from this article title, we can come to the conclusion that beavers have a basic understanding of the wind and geography. Otherwise, no scientist would have let them do that. I’m hypothesizing that the beavers actually planned this themselves, at first as a coup d’état, then as a way to make peace between them and humans. How did I come to this hypothesis? Well, do you know how to use a parachute?
Beavers are way smarter than we give them credit for. If we made half of the Fredonia student population beavers, our average GPA would skyrocket. I swear to beaver Jesus — I would never lie about this.
I know this may not mean much for the students, but let’s ruminate for a minute. If we have beavers everywhere, we can partner without newfound rodent peers in classes and force them to do the work for us. Our grades will be the highest they have ever been before. We could get some use out of the Learning Center, given that the beavers want an extra buck for their brains. Even if you don’t wanna get smarter, imagine telling people you got tutored by a beaver. How silly and quirky is that!
Fundamentally speaking, I know how difficult it may be to acquire so many beavers. I also understand that, given our budget — especially if The Scallion is funding this — it may be … difficult, to say the least. To acquire so many parachutes. I know you’ve heard the phrase “teamwork makes the dream work” before, so this is your opportunity to make it happen, babe. Hand a Scallion Scallywag a dollar and we will be a step closer to our goal. Before you ask, I have no plan, but we are getting one step closer every single day, in theory.
Ever seen a beaver? Ever met one? Ever held a beaver’s hand gently while the sun set in front of you? I think not. Now’s your chance, Fredonia.