MATTHEW BAUM
Editor of the Scallion and Confectionery Connoisseur
Aries: You give off big Milky Way energy. You have a tendency to approach things in your life very head-on, and that’s fine, but some will be taken aback by your straightforwardness.
Taurus: Alright, now this is interesting! You’re off the beaten path a little bit, you’re like… a Chunky bar. You can find them on the thruway most of the time. Some people may be confused by you in the kickoff, but they’ll soon learn that you’ve got some charm to you.
Gemini: Twix. Left, right they’re twins, whatever.
Cancer: A very safe sign, and a very safe candy. Nobody doesn’t like Starburst, but it’s not exactly redefining the candy game these days, so it’s a safe bet.
Leo: Oh-ho! Look at you, fancy-pants! You probably go trick-or-treating in Silicon Valley, and your little goodie bag is full of Ghirardelli truffles, like an a**hole.
Virgo: I cannot explain it, but you give Payday vibes. You’re going to have to discover for yourself what that means.
Libra: Smarties. last-resort candy that, once you unwrap them, you remember how much of a treat they are! Oh, what a hoot you are, if not a little quiet to begin with.
Scorpio: Oooooh, very dark chocolatey, I think. A little challenging, a little refined, a real treat for those who know you.
Sagittarius: You are… Vexing. An enigma. A truly deceptive being, one capable of eternal mutation. For this, you are the very concept of chocolate. Nay, you are the original Cocoa Bean. One to lead them all. You. Have.The. Power.
Capricorn: I’m a Capricorn, and my favorite candy is Twizzlers, so we’re all Twizzlers. Easy.
Aquarius: You’re like the pretzels that some people hand out on Halloween. I said what I said! I’ll never forgive you! You know what you did!
Pisces: I can’t stress this enough. Swedish. Fish. Sure, it might be low-hanging fruit, but your sign is literally named for fish.