MATTHEW BAUM
Scallion Editor
In a move that has surprised literally nobody, Starbucks has found another way to bring despair into the lives of consumers everywhere.
Following the announcement of the Justin Bieber and Tim Horton’s collaboration — with the pop artist’s agents definitely having spun a wheel of nonsense to determine what donut flavors he could possibly endorse — Starbucks knew they had to respond with something just as ridiculous, if not more. For a limited time, instructions have been made for all baristas under the Starbucks brand to correct customers whenever they order a grande drink, saying, “yuh-yuh-yuh, I think you mean an Ariana Grande Grande, right?” The only good news about this is that it’ll only last for a limited time.
Historically, Starbucks’ best and brightest have not been the best — between getting names wrong on orders and giving me a latte with oat milk when I specifically asked for soy milk, dammit — and this will only add to their poor public image. I doubt there will be much of an uptick in sales between the Grande estate or the coffee chain; in fact, my guess is that this move is such a sorry excuse for marketing that there will be a downward slope for this quarter’s reports on both sides.
Whichever interns decided to follow the lead of Tim Horton’s, need to learn a lesson in punching up. Why would Starbucks, an infinitely more well-known café brand, take lessons from the Canadian hockey player’s passion project? This whole kerfuffle has me wound up, tighter than I was when I had to gulp down that ghastly excuse of a latte, with its despicable oat milk. And yeah, I’m still bitter about that, just like the latte was!
The point being, Starbucks has flubbed the mission, nobody is surprised, but we should all be disappointed. Do better, Starbies. And watch out for the next time I come in, because I will Yelp your a** if I get another oat milk latte, you fiends.