JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
So, the Scallion, huh? Isn’t it fun? A little silly? Whatever. Anyway, point is, I’m writing some stuff and I don’t care what you think because I’m a little punk.
Chicken Fingers.
They’re a bit tasty, but you absolutely have to get them from the right place. The best ones are juicy on the inside and disgustingly dry on the outside. I don’t care what you think. I hate the ones that are moist on the outside because no one wants that! There’s no crunch! Have a little crunch. That’s why when I’m in an absolute pinch, I go to Willy C’s because it’s moist on the outside. It’s gross, but it’s satisfying. Don’t get me wrong, it’s someone else’s cup of chicken tea, I’m sure, but it’s not mine.
Income Inequality.
That sucks, bro. Just get rid of income. That’s the obvious answer?
Ska Music.
You know what, I’m gonna be honest. I didn’t have much of a thought on this topic until my roommate actually played ska punk and I was like, “wait, this is ska? It’s really not that bad. It’s just punk rock/pop with trumpets? What could go wrong?” There was nothing wrong. It’s totally fine. If I wanted to, I’d even pop it up on Spotify for my own dang self.
Women’s Rights.
Oh God, I love women. If you know me at all, you know back in the day my freshman year I was obsessed. OBSESSED. On Twitter, if I saw a pretty lady at Starbucks, you already know I tweeted about it because she was so pretty. “I saw the most beautiful woman today at Starbs oh my God I’d let her break my feet.” Let’s be honest: women rock. Therefore, they should have more rights than men.
Google Docs.
If Google Docs was a person, I would get down on one knee and ask its little organized heart to marry me. I don’t care if you like Microsoft Word more because “it has more options” or “it’s more detailed.” I literally don’t care. Docs is easy, and I’m stupid. One of my absolute favorite pastimes as a fifth grader was going on Google Docs, sharing it with my friends’ emails, and making the worst jumble of rainbow words in Comic Sans and using the chat feature to talk during class. It was so easy and so stupid.
Acting majors.
Oh, you had to take Physical Theatre and not call it Commedia dell’arte? Your life is soooo hard. Good luck in the real world, poser.
The Pokemon Gardevoir.
No Pokemon should be that appealing to straight men. Every time I see Gardevoir fanart, there’s boobs. BOOBS. Why do you give any Pokemon boobs? Where did you GET that from? They’re basically animals. I freaking hate Gardevoir so much.
Global Warming.
C’mon, guys! 🙁