MATTHEW BAUM
Scallion Editor
Recent discussions regarding the upcoming VR-accessible Metaverse are making it clear that this project will provide much-needed relief to countless American lives.
When Ronnie Caschernian, also known as @Big_Eth_Daddy808 on Twitter, invested in Bitcoin with money granted to him in his grandmother’s will, he had no idea how quickly his life would change. At the time, Ronnie lived in Break Bluff, Calif., with his stock-broker parents, and now he owns a digital picture of a lion wearing a shirt that says the word ‘boobies’ while still living with his stock-broker parents.
Caschernian, with no prompting at all, took time to explain the value of his virtual picture.
“You see, it’s all about redistribution of assets. I spent Mammy’s $3,000 to invest in Bitcoin, which I then converted to Etherium, which I used to get ol’ Marley here,” he said, pulling up a weblink to the ridiculous-looking .jpg he claims ownership over, “And the best part is, this piece is a great addition to my Meta-mansion living room, where I could host other investors for digi-drinks!”
The “investors” Caschernian mentioned are other youthful entrepreneurs with not enough going on in their real lives that have willingly sold their soul for internet clout. Their investment in all things cryptocurrency, NFTs and Metaverse has made it a veritable hotspot for other like-minded dingbats. They spend their time creating more and more harmful ways to feign superiority and destroy natural resources. At the same time, having all of the obnoxious Meta-heads indoors and away from the general population is a huge plus for anyone who doesn’t want to bother with them anymore.
Clara Studebaker, a junior geology major who used to go to school with Caschernian, said it was a “real breath of fresh air” to know he would be spending all of his time online instead of bothering her about his delusions of grandeur.
“When I saw Zuckerburg’s Metaverse announcement, I knew I’d be seeing way less of Ronnie around the grocery store where I work,” she said. “I’d had a rough couple months before then, so I really saw the announcement as a beacon of hope.”
Critics of the digital program have said that it may lead to a downward spiral in terms of proper eye health and socialization skills for everyone involved, but an overwhelming majority of concerned citizens have come forward to say that they are perfectly happy with the idea of not seeing privileged nerds with Napoleon complexes in their suitable non-digitized shared spaces.