JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
Welcome to horoscopes. I will be providing an instructional guide about how to finally make friends.
Aries: Get into NFTs, but in an ironic way. Fake it on Twitter so you can gather a bunch of NFT bro followers, then right-click-save their profile pictures and threaten them with being a normal person. I know this doesn’t sound very friendly, but afterwards, the rest of Twitter will flock to you in amazement. You’re the prank god! Everyone wants to be your friend, you hooligan!
Taurus: You don’t have to impress anyone. In fact, if you embarrass yourself, the chances of you making friends increases. Slip on some black ice at one of the bus stops to really seal the deal.
Gemini: Show everyone your wicked cool coin collection that appeared under your bed one day. “Hey guys, look at this wicked cool coin collection,” says you. Then everyone says, “What a wicked cool coin collection!”
Cancer: Go to the pier in Dunkirk and summon mermaids, since you probably struggle with the humans. They’ll each kiss you on the cheek and then leave without a trace.
Leo: Wear your mask right. Over the nose. If you are wearing it right, wear it wrong outdoors in public, and adjust it as if you feel really bad about it being below the nose. Like, “omg sorry guys I care!!!” Not only is it true, but you obviously care about the wellbeing of others. People like you after that. Wear your mask right.
Virgo: Adopt a cat with big feet. +1 friend. Then, people will flock to you to touch the cat’s little feetsies. +infinite friends.
Libra: Join Nerf Club! Your real friends are the people you nerf. (heart emoji)
Scorpio: Do your homework. Like, for real this time. You working hard will make everyone flabbergasted that you aren’t active on Twitter/Instagram. They like how quiet you are. It’s… mysterious. 😉
Sagittarius: Get famous on YouTube. Okay, that kinda sucks. You might not actually end up having any friends, sorry. I don’t make the rules.
Capricorn: Buy glue-on nails and make everyone around you comment on them. I don’t know the logic behind it, but it SERIOUSLY works.
Aquarius: You’re gonna have to befriend the black squirrels on campus. I know you stop to look at them every time, and I get it, and I see you. They appreciate you.
Pisces: Explain to everyone how deep Mitski’s music is. They’ll find you artistically depressed. It’s somehow beautiful. They’re crying already and they don’t even know yet!