BRIAN CECALA
Scallywag
Hey guys, It’s ya boy Brian, local popular writer for the Scallion. It’s been hard these past few years with COVID-19 because everyone keeps getting it, and I haven’t yet! Everyone gets to post fun little stories on their Facebook and cute quarantine photos but not me! Some people are so privileged to be able to truly experience a pandemic. Some people even got it over winter break! That’s so unfair! I had to go to New York City to go see “Dear Evan Hansen.” Don’t even get me started on the poor writing and inconsistent use of metaphor in that show.
Another thing people keep telling me is that you lose your taste when you get COVID-19. Uhh, lucky much? I would be so jacked if I couldn’t taste anything because all I would eat is veggies and raw chicken. I wouldn’t even have cheat days because I can’t taste it anyway. Ugh! People who have COVID-19 are probably so fit right now and they’re laughing at my pudgy little boy body. Do you know how much time I have to waste working out just to look not jacked? I’m literally eating a pizza right now while typing this, so you can imagine how much my life sucks.
Ya know how much I hate going to parties? I’m awkward and stoopid (and yeah, I typed it like that on purpose, because I’m unique). When people invite me I have to say “No, I don’t wanna go to your little party, I’ll be so awkward.” I could be saying “Sorry I can’t go, I have COVID” and no one would call me “rude” or “awkward.” Sometimes I go to their parties and hope I get COVID-19, but I’m never lucky! I guess I’ll dress up like an alien just to stand in a corner and look like an idiot all night. Thanks, Derrick.
I wanna miss class and have an excuse for why no one talks to me. You guys don’t know how easy you have it and you spend all day rubbing in it my face with your Insta pics. I don’t care if it takes 10 years. I WILL GET COVID. I don’t care if I have to lick 100 walls at Walmart. I will do it. Then we will all see who’s laughing at me.