By verchmarco, licensed under CC BY 2.0.
“X” on sign, snow and hats added.
JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
(This article is written for comedic purposes. For factual information on global warming, visit Fredonia’s Climate Education Initiative website: fredonia.edu/about/offices/climate-education-initiative/climate-facts.)
Going to Fredonia, you were probably already aware that the weather was gonna be quite the treat. We all knew that snow was a big thing to prepare for, and you were very hopeful that the “tunnels” on campus were going to be a significant help. We also were hopeful that the plows and salt were going to assist us with our problems of driving on the road, opening our doors to get outside of our buildings, and with walking!
Well, the intensity of the snow this January and February has left students flabbergasted, and all of our nightmares have come true. I swear to God, my window is going to blast open and the snow spirits are going to pelt me with their metaphorical icy excrements.
Now, I’m not the only one who feels this way. I’m sure you’ve had your fair share of eating it on black ice, or eating it on regular ice, or eating it because you just can’t walk. 🙁
It’s not your fault, though! Other students are feeling the exact same way, and some are taking steps to make a change.
Greg, a Fredonia student who refused to give me his last name and I just sort of accepted that, claims his major is “‘BFA Global Warming’ and just ‘BFA Global Warming.’”
“This snow, dude,” he said, mask falling down, wiping his nose quickly, then shoving it back up. “I’m just saying, if global warming came out right now, it’d hit different.”
I asked what global warming would do to hit different.
“The snow? The ice? Not a chance.” He gave me a thumbs up. “Global warming for days. Global warming for months. Years, even. That’ll help. Gotta get hot, dude. So hot that lava is falling from the sky. Now, that would solve our problem here at SUNY Fredonia.”
As we spoke, a great gaggle of students appeared with a variety of signs. They ranged from phrases like, “GLOBAL WARMING HITS DIFFERENT” to “I’LL PEE ON THE SNOW (ASK ME ABOUT IT).”
I spoke to a few to gather their thoughts.
“I don’t know why we put up with this. We never asked for this. Let’s get these greenhouse gas emissions blanketing the Earth to trap the sun’s heat some more! Even faster!” one said. Another stated, “I’m gonna buy some NFTs to help our cause!”
One especially stalwart protester merely said, “Warm is just good.”
As I talked to them, it seemed like they had a plan to overthrow Fredonia, steal their funds and make a factory that burns an incredible, indescribable amount of fossil fuels. They claim that Fredonia students will be “the most environmentally humanly greenhouse-gas friendly” people on the planet. Along with this, they plan on taking out every tree on Earth, asking sororities and fraternities to join so it counts as community service.
So, what do you say? It seems like these entrepreneurs have a lot going for them. If you want to join, I’m sure you could ask your local frat bro. Good luck and godspeed.