JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
Hey, Horoscope fiends. I got what everyone’s been looking forward to this week: THE RED FLAGS OF EACH SIGN!
Aries: You don’t clean your emotional support water bottle as often as you should. However, you think that the crusty dusty elements of an unclean emotional support water bottle “add flavor.” Remember all the times you let your friend drink out of it? Yeah. Remember what they’re drinking.
Taurus: I know you probably won’t listen because you’re a Taurus, but being nervous about quadruple texting someone you like is not something to worry about most of the time.
Gemini: When someone spells your name right on a Starbucks cup, you think the barista is flirting with you. Every time you ask your friend if there were vibes, they have to answer awkwardly, “Maybe?”
Cancer: Whenever you look at yourself in the mirror, you call yourself a coward. Get a hold of yourself! Gain some much needed confidence!!!
Leo: I have a feeling you’re having a rough week, so I’ll go easy on you. Every time you might be late for a class, you email your professor an incredibly long-winded explanation as to why you’re going to be late, and then you end up being on time. It’s wholesome, but your professor totally deletes them as soon as they come.
Virgo: You genuinely enjoy the chicken fingers at Willy’s, describing them as “sponges that soak up the sauce.” Sometimes, you may even “get lost in the sauce.” I guess that’s a good thing to you? Sure. And if you don’t eat meat, then you just genuinely enjoy any foods at Willy’s that correlate with your diet, and that’s just as bad.
Libra: You order anything on DoorDash whenever there’s a slight inconvenience, then don’t ask your roommates if they want anything.
Scorpio: You start to argue about a very small thing, and then it ends up being a huge thing. Picture this: You’re out with your friends. You see a black squirrel. They might say, “Oh, black squirrels are actually really common.” You’ll reply, “No they’re not.” They argue, “Yes they are.” You end the debacle with, “You are a disgrace among us scholarly squirrel understanders. Stand back, heathen.”
Sagittarius: You ask for a cheeseburger without the burger. Specifically, when you’re out with your friends at McDonalds or another very delicious fast food chain, they ask what you want when you go through the drive-thru. You don’t know how blasphemous it is. So, you say, “Uh, I’ll have a cheeseburger without the burger.” Just know that the first time you said that, their brains had an instantaneous fight or flight response.
Capricorn: Why do you have so many games on your phone that you don’t feel like deleting? Why are you letting them sit there, unplayed and alone? What are you hiding, Capricorn?
Aquarius: You ask people for their opinion on your art or writing or whatever creative outlet you have, and when they say that it looks good you say, “Ehhh, it’s not my finest work, but it’ll do.” Or, you might say, “Nooo, it sucks! It’s soooo bad!” … It looks good.
Pisces: You stare deeply into the soul of any pet owner’s eyes when they’re out on a walk. I know what you’re trying to do — ask to pet the animal without actually asking. However, you do it so hard that they think you’re plotting a murder. Just… ask.