JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
Hello, my friends! I’m bringing to you some advice to each sign about what to do over spring break — if you have no plans, of course.
Aries: Set fires in Mason while no one’s there. (DON’T DO THIS. THIS IS SATIRE.)
Taurus: Go home and learn how to stack cups. You’ll be the cup master. So much… cup. 24/7, cup stacking.
Gemini: Stay in Fredonia and kiss every dog you see on the head, so long as the owner is OK with it. How could they not be? You’re gracing their dog!
Cancer: Go to England, just for fun! Because you can! Why not? What’s stopping you, twerp? Huh?
Leo: NOTHING!!! Please, PLEASE don’t do anything!! You’re gonna cause some major chaos if you do anything besides sleep, eat and breathe! Just stay where you are! Don’t move! Oh God. I know too much.
Virgo: Develop a new religion based on your cuteness, babe. I’ll be a follower. 😉 Hey, Virgo.
Libra: Go to Long Island and be disgusted. Or, if you live there already, rummage in the trash like the dirty, dirty raccoon you are, Libra.
Scorpio: Explore the depths of an insane forest. If you don’t know a forest, just go to the creek and walk for a very long time. So, so long. I won’t even know you anymore. You won’t even know yourself. You’ll become a forest nymph.
Sagittarius: Plant a whole garden somewhere, sometime. <3 Scorpio will probably find it.
Capricorn: Chug WATER and DON’T STOP. You NEED to keep going. You’ll be a hydrated GOD amongst men. You’ll become a big water puddle. It’ll kinda rock?
Aquarius: Stay in Fredonia and photosynthesize on Three Man Hill. You’ll transform and make it Four Man Hill.
Pisces: Make as many TikToks as possible. If you don’t own TikTok, you absolutely need to make one. You’ll go viral, become famous, and make $600 dollars off of it. Straight to the bank, baby.