JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
Welcome back to your favorite article series ever. I’m here to do a classic: predict how your week is gonna go.
Aries: It’s your time to shine, Aries, and you know it! The winds are beckoning you. You’re gonna spend some well-deserved time outside, probably near the creek, because that’s just what everyone does when they wanna have a good time. Remember your sunscreen, because if not, you’re gonna get a gross sunburn that you will have to smother aloe on. Then you’re gonna look like a slime sod. Slime sod! Slime sod! Slime sod!
Taurus: You will pick up a dating reality TV show. It’ll probably be “Love is Blind” because that’s kind of the vibe right now. You’ll start by saying “lol this is soooo stupid, like how can they even like each other” and end by sobbing and projectile mucus-ing at a couple being happily married. You’ll need to dry out your nose. Maybe go to a doctor? (THIS IS NOT MEDICAL ADVICE!)
Gemini: Uh-oh, struggle city! You and I are on the same page, fellow Gemini! We are gonna STRUGGLE. Not to worry, though! You might be surprised with a fun little gift from someone unexpected. 😉 Maybe from an Aries…? But, if it’s Sagittarius… well. Struggle city!
Cancer: Somehow, you’ll have lots of chicken nuggets this week, and that’s really innovative and beautiful of you. You’re really really really really quirky.
Leo: You’re mad Aries is stealing your spotlight. Why can’t it be Leo season already? So, you’ll do a silly wee impish prank on an Aries in your life. Ooooo, it’s gonna be so good. I can’t tell you what it is (not because I’m bad at pranks or anything I’m really good at pranks I swear!) but you’re gonna be the coolest cat around. Coolest Leo ever! Best sign! YEAH! YEAAAH!
Virgo: You’re hard to predict this week! I think that means YOU’RE GONNA GO BONKERS!!!!!!! Soooo much stuff is gonna happen!!! You’ll be fine, though, for real. Just soak it all up like a sponge.
Libra: A cat is going to pee on all of your belongings. Not to worry, though — you’re prepared now so you can get the material you need to get it out. Have fun trying to help yourself!
Scorpio: Your SOULMATE is going to FART in your KITCHEN!!!!!! Better get the Febreze, ‘cause it’s a biggie. You fart with that dumpy??? Gross!
Sagittarius: You’re gonna do some heavy thinking for the first time! It might suck for a day, but it’ll be worth it directly afterwards, because all the tears are gonna be drained from your body and down the drain. You basically refresh as a human being. And you’ll be sexier for it! Gemini’s your friend in this time, at the very least to remind you that you are sexy.
Capricorn: Someone’s going to compare you to a “Euphoria” character and you’re gonna hate it. It’s up to you to figure out what character they’re going to call you so you can prepare for the worst. Don’t do drugs.
Aquarius: You’ll be relying on Willy’s a lot this week, Aquarius. Sorry to say! However, you know it’ll taste the best out of all the places, especially when it’s nighttime and you want some grease. Good ol’ grease. It’ll treat you well, at the very least, emotionally.
Pisces: Oh, Pisces, Pisces, Pisces. I already know you’re not gonna sleep this week. Try it, though! Prove me wrong. Get a gooooooood sleepytime.