BRIAN CECALA
Real Cop at SUNY Fredonia
Listen up, chumps. The University Police are getting real tired of your S#@*. We heard the news that they’re closing down Tim Hortons on campus, and we’re FED UP. We gotta go to Starbucks to get donuts? NO WAY, JOSE. We’re not playing around anymore, and we’re taking these streets back. You knuckleheads are gonna fall in line starting now or face a DIRE CONSEQUENCE™. Some DIRE CONSEQUENCE™ may include but not limited to…
- We will make you film a thirst trap for TikTok, and you will have to post it unironically to main.
- We will forcefully change your major to Musical Theatre. Good luck finding a use for your diploma now, idiot.
- We will make you take Craft of Writing AGAIN.
- You will have to watch the 2022 Film Musical Cyrano (I watched it over break. It was terrible. Trust me on this)
- ETC. ETC.
Now that we laid down the line and set the stakes, get ready for your NEW RULES.
NEW RULE: WE DON’T TALK ABOUT “WE DON’T TALK ABOUT BRUNO”
I’m so f$%^ing sick and tired of hearing this song every day. It was good at first but you guys are getting ridiculous. If we hear one even one LYRIC we are going to lock you up big time, slumdog.
NEW RULE: IF I’M THIRSTY, YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME A SIP
Look, it’s a tiring job being a cop. I’m walking around all-day yelling at teenagers. So forgive me if sometimes I GET A LITTLE BIT THIRSTY. I forgot my cup in my car so you HAVE to give me a little sip of whatever you’re drinking. I don’t care what it is, I’M PARCHED.
NEW RULE: GATHER MAGIC SOMEWHERE ELSE, NERDS
Lately, we’ve been seeing a lot of people playing Magic the Gathering on campus. Guess what? It makes us look like dorks! When you guys play Magic, it affects everyone else around you. So MTG is BANNED. Go be a f^$@ing wizard somewhere else.
NEW RULE: YOUR PODCAST STINKS, AND I’M GONNA RUIN IT
Oh, you got a podcast? Well so does EVERYONE ELSE, dingus. An hour-long conversational format isn’t meant for everyone. So if you are a student and you have a podcast, I get to be on it. You gotta bring me on as a special guest and I’m going to share a bunch of controversial opinions. If you even try to disagree with me I will power slam you into the table.
NEW RULE: YOU GOT TWO EARS SO WEAR TWO EARRINGS
Personally, I don’t like it when someone wears just one earring. You look like a darn FOOL. If I see you wearing just one earring on one ear, I’m gonna tug on it a little bit. Just enough to hurt a tincy wincy bit.