MATTHEW BAUM
Scallion Editor
Elon Musk is not new to criticism. In his time as a public figure and the wealthiest person on the face of the planet, he has regularly made waves in the media by not realizing the responsibility he has as a public figure and the wealthiest person on the face of the planet. With that being said, we at the Scallion are sick of reading, writing, hearing and generally thinking about the apartheid-money bastard and his associated evil schemes. Therefore, this article will serve as a fill-in-the-blank for the next time he does, says or posts something mind-bogglingly stupid. We hope you enjoy it, and that you start to appreciate the trouble we have to go through to entertain you masses.
Warning sign added on top of Elon Musk graphic from Pixabay.
In a twist of fate, Elon Musk has found himself once again surrounded by controversy. In a [insert method of idiocy (Tweet, press release, live vanity presentation) here] made last week, Musk declared that [insert tonedeaf drivel here], which has landed him in some hot water online.
According to [insert journalist from a publication that has more important work to do than to cover the daily tantrums thrown by the world’s least likable white guy of the month], Musk stated that [insert group of people least likely to grovel at Musk’s feet (union leaders, progessive voters, self-respecting adults) here] are [insert alienating language that ever-so-sublty reeks of anti-Semitic conspiracy theorism], and that he avoids inviting them to [insert demeaning position on proximity to Musk (work on factory floors, maintain supermansion he lives in, engage on conversation on daytime television) here]. This has upset a variety of celebrities, such as [insert names of celebrities who are performative activists for a span no longer than two weeks on their Instagram stories].
Musk, who is valued at [insert net worth here, and be sure to mention how long that would take someone making minimum wage to earn], said that the reactions he has been receiving have been indicative of [insert soulless response to appeal to old coots willing to make Musk more money by buying one of his toy cars], and that the ‘woke [insert literally any racial or ethical minority, really dig deep with this one]-supporters’ are running a smear campaign in order to sully his good name.
One Musk supporter, a junior business major named [insert whatever, you know? Just whatever] said that Musk’s response was “super tight” and that “he did such a great job destroying those bleeding heart social justice warriors.” He went on to say that [insert a number of sociopolitical dog whistles that you see fit here], and that Musk’s newest project, [insert most recent purchase under Musk’s name that he may call his own original work here], is bound to ‘teach ‘em a lesson.’
No matter what anyone feels about Elon Musk, it seems as though he’s here to stay.