MATTHEW BAUM
Scallion Editor
Hark, all you who stumble upon this page!
It is I, a mere pawn to the Scallion Eternal, and I come bearing the opportunity of a lifetime.
I have been sent forward to you! You who would capture the spirit of levity in your mind and a mirth in your meaning. Those who would satirize. Those who would make merry war on convention with their words! Those who fear not the dangers of ironic texts and the consequences thereof.
I seek writers, companions in my mission of entertainment, goodly creators and heralds of the elusive funny ha-ha’s.
Basically, I’m asking you guys to join the Scallion Staff.
It’s not a big deal! You know, I’ll ask if you want to write an article every week, and if you have something you want to say about something, just let it rip! I then edit it, take out any Oxford Commas you add because my bosses are afraid of the Oxford Comma because it’s not suitable for the newspaper article format, and then you get your work printed and published for all your friends and family to see! It’s a blast!
Also, don’t worry about “ooh, wah, I’ve never written for a newspaper before,’ because guess what? Neither have I! I’m an acting major, I’m just making things up as I go. It’s a very low-stress position, with the opportunity to move up the ranks all the way up to where I am, as a Section Editor for The Leader, which means I get invited to the Big Boss Meetings that we hold every week. It’s something else, I tell ya.
Most of the time, it doesn’t take longer than 40 minutes for me to whip something up, and it’s always just a matter of taking a story from recent news and carrying the premise to its silliest extent. If you’ve not done something like this before, it’s fairly easy to catch on to. And I’ll be there to help! You won’t be on your own in writing.
So, yeah. If you’re interested in giving satire a shot, hit me with an email (baum0866@fredonia.edu) and let me know! We’ll figure out what kind of articles you’d like to write, how often you can crank them out, and we’ll go from there. I hope to hear from you, so long as you’re willing to be silly on paper.
Best wishes, lots of love, and hail our unconquerable Scallion Overlord,
Matthew Baum