MATTHEW BAUM
Scallion Editor
Haha, sike!
Here’s the deal.
When I came up with this article idea, I was thinking, “Oh, this is such a funny idea, what a low bar!”
Ironically, I forgot last week that it was, actually, literally, my mother’s birthday. I did not call her. I didn’t even mail her a birthday card.
Not for nothing, I did visit her over the weekend, but that’s not the point! It’s a matter of going out of your way to make someone else’s day a little better. Especially my mom, of all people.
Anyway, I hate to disappoint, but I have failed. Not only have I failed you all, for this pitiful excuse for an article, but I have failed my dear sweet mother, who does too damn much for my family to just be left hanging! It’s a shame! Woe is me! Woe is meeeee!