JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
You heard me. Well, okay, hear me out. I have so many reasons. In fact, I’m gonna list ‘em right off for you because I know my idea would work out better than these other trifling chump transportation devices.
1. Horses are good for the environment. While I know the Bird scooters pride themselves on their environmentally friendly transportation method, I still think horses are our best bet here. No fuel or battery or anything, just apples and hay! If horses don’t eat those, sorry. I get all my information on horses from Minecraft.
2. Riding a horse looks baller. More to the point, riding a Bird looks lame. If you’ve ever seen a horse being ridden, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Actually, imagine me on a horse (specifically me, Jay Byron.) You don’t wanna see that happen? I know I do. My medium-length hair flowing in the wind.
3. You can’t form a beautiful, unbreakable bond with your Bird scooter. The horse girls know what I’m saying here. You don’t wanna ride up to Thompson with your bestie, the horse? When you have a bad day, you can always rely on our community horses to listen and take you away. Park it like the unloving scooter and leave when you want. When you come back, you can get another bestie horse.
4. FAST. YAH! Go, horse! Take me to Cranston! I’m gonna be late for my hot Burger Wednesday date! No scooter could get you there in time. However, the horse not only understands how high the stakes are based on your sweaty palms and shaky legs, but the horse can take you there faster than any scooter, heck, any car. Just try it.
5. It’s all for the benefit of your education. I don’t know about you, but I’d learn a lot about animals from having them be my main method of transportation. The anatomy of a horse would be forever part of my knowledge. Also, I’d learn a lot about how to communicate with a horse, and I feel like that’s super important for any job because you never know when you’ll stumble upon a horse. Like, imagine in the future the only way to save someone’s life is to be a horse-whisperer, and who would be the horse-whisperer? Well, clearly, the Fredonia alum in the room.
Thank you for listening and I hope you consider the benefits of this idea. I’m right. Horses rock!