JACKSON MOELLER
Guest Scallywag
With live music coming back to venues all across the country, we here at the Scallion want to help out the everyday concert-goer and their teensy-tiny friends that were peer-pressured to go to the Slipknot concert. Below are some of the best ways to survive the mosh pits, because you never know when they’re going to break out. Mosh pits are a dangerous experience, and they can start anytime, anywhere, during any type of performance. Once, security at a Kenny G concert had to break up a mosh that sprung up during an especially groovin’ solo. With that in mind, here are the top 12 tips to survive the pit (Insert WatchMojo Voice Here).
- If you see a guy in a bucket hat, just run. Don’t look back.
- Feel free to invite Big Boi Tommy to crowd surf you, but be aware that once you get to the end of the crowd, brace for impact. Your rockin’ skull will collide with hard cold concrete, even if the venue is out in a grass field.
- Avoid the guy with long hair, painted black nails and the jean vest with patches on it because he’ll break your teeth. End of story.
- Just find Michael Cera from the hit blockbuster films “Juno,” “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World” and “Superbad.” He will gladly watch over you. The only thing is that he’s hard to find but trust me, he’s there. He’s always there.
- Anyone in overalls, regardless of gender and how many drinks they have that night, are there to protect you and are sworn by their denim brotherhood oath.
- Play dead. Just lay on the ground like the little helpless goober you are and some guy named Bob will appear out of nowhere, grab you by the feet and drag you out the pit and then drive you to the closest McDonalds in Kalamazoo, Michigan, driving the sexiest 2002 Toyota Corolla you have ever seen. He won’t order you anything; he’ll just order a Chicken McGriddle for himself.
- As you are being tossed around like a lifeless fish, if you see someone in a Sublime shirt ask them to name three songs other than “Santeria.” Nine times out of 10, the person’s answer will be, “Oh, I just got this shirt at Urban Outfitters. I thought it was a clothing brand.” You will now gain access to the red carpet to stroll right out of the mosh pit. Congratulations.
- If anyone is wearing a dress, they’ll either help you out or just toss you around like you’re Loki and they’re the Incredible Hulk.
- Start grabbing ankles and beg for mercy as you eat old french fries off the carpet floor for subsistence as your hands get stepped on constantly.
- If Fred Durst licks you, (yes, he’s always there too) you NEED to find Michael Cera because he has the antidote in his left breast pocket. The password is Hambone.
- Just open up a big family size bag of Lays pickle chips and The Skankers will run like a gaggle of Old Berkeley Beagles and that helps clear some of the people out of the pit.
12. Finally, stay away from Jim. Jim will mess you up. Like for real.
With these tips in hand, you’ll be crazy to let it rip to your favorite bands like a professional.