MATTHEW BAUM
Scallion Editor
In the last several weeks, it has been made clear to the staff at SUNY Fredonia that the local herd of deer have had enough of the status quo.
A great number of deer have been seen wandering the grassy stretches of Fredonia’s campus with more of a disdainful look than usual since the start of October, and now, a formal complaint has been issued against the FSA. An open letter was sent to the offices in charge of providing food to students, and has allegedly been signed by all the deer in a two-mile radius.
The letter demands that a greater variety of grasses be grown around campus, more trash bins be labeled “vegetarian-only” and that if any fruit trees are to be planted on or around campus, it must be approved by the collected group of deer. How the deer managed to type this letter and sign it in fairly-legible handwriting remains to be known.
Matthew Baum, a writer for the Scallion and the bravest acting major of the class of 2023, reached out to one Lemon Pepper Hammer-Whisk-Delirium, the mouthpiece for the deer organization. When first asked about her name, Hammer-Whisk-Delirium said, “Huh, wouldn’t you like to know,” and requested that no further questions be asked about the linguistic capabilities or naming conventions of deerkind, which was obeyed.
Hammer-Whisk-Delirium stated that she was on the board of local deer fed up with the limited options for grazing they had available to them, and was actually the individual who proposed writing a letter to move to a state of change.
“We had no choice, as far as I can tell,” she explained, slightly adjusting the eyepatch that covered her left eye. “We could either have made ourselves known and demand change, or keep our mouths shut and remain discontent with our lot, cast to the fringes of human society and forced to nibble away at their scraps.”
When the conversation came to next steps, Hammer-Whisk-Delirium explained that if their demands are not met, force would be the next metric of persuasion. She outlined various plans for making a break for the control of campus and the vision she had for a deer-centric university culture: hostile takeover of Maytum Hall, deer-inspired statues, low-pruned pear trees. “The whole nine yards,” according to Hammer-Whisk-Delirium.
When asked if any violence would be used to ensure victory, the head deer refused to answer, causing Baum to end the interview prematurely.
As of now, no violent actions have been taken by the deer, and all seems well. If any deer pass you by, be sure to give a sympathetic nod, offer them some plant-based goodies, and dare not to ask them how they got their name. And get excited for the low-pruned pear tree orchard that will be added to the Townhouse greenery come spring of 2023!