MATTHEW BAUM
Scallion Editor
As we all know, the best kinds of dogs are dogs that can do jobs! Service dogs, emotional support animals, dogs that help open doors and things, each of them more lovely than the last. This convenience comes with two problems.
The first is that there is an inherent injustice in making dogs have jobs. They’re companion beasts! We’ve bred the violent instincts out of them so that they couldn’t even survive out of society if they wanted to, and then we use their placative nature against them? We force them to do labor. They don’t even get a right to vote!
Secondly, if we are going down this monstrous route, we’re asking very little of some of these animals. I think we should really push our furry friends to make something of themselves! They have a lot of potential, and we are squandering it.
Below you will see my top picks for jobs dogs can do that we haven’t yet asked them to.
10. Malamute – Domestic mop. They’ve got hair to spare, and half the time, they’re the ones making the mess with all that shedding. Might as well put it to use.
9. Saint Bernard – Offensive lineman, NFL. It’s a really easy assignment. Think about Beethoven from Beethoven and tell me your first thought isn’t, “Oh, yeah, that dog can play football.”
8. Chihuahua – Coal mine alarm. Canaries do not belong in the mines. Chihuahuas do not belong on Earth. Killing two birds with one stone here. Metaphorically speaking.
7. German Shepherd – German shepherd. We need someone to corral the loose Germans in the world. It’s right in their name.
6. Golden Retriever – Customer Service Representative. Imagine your television is acting up, and you call the line that reaches tech support. How mad would you be if a dog answered, doing that little huffing thing into your ear? You wouldn’t be mad at all! Another plus, nobody has to deal with morons who can’t make their tv work ever again!
5. Shiba Inu – Professional model. The modeling industry sets unfathomable standards for their performers. Such societal pressures wouldn’t be placed on little puppies! Come on now. Work that runway, little guy.
4. Bulldog – Commissioner Gordon, Gotham City. Batman loves Jim Gordon, and I love the look on Bulldogs’ widdle faces when they’re told how good they are. Commissioner Gordon is a good boy.
3. Beagle – Scallion Editor. Nobody can convince me otherwise that beagles don’t know how to read. I’ve seen Snoopy type on his typewriter. Nothing gets past me.
2. Poodle – Barista. They’ve got a lot going on with themselves, what with the hair and the long crazy legs, so they have a knack for paying attention to detail. Such focus is needed to crank out a venti cold brew with two shots of espresso light ice triple double. I don’t even know what that all means, I just overheard it at Starbucks. A poodle would know, though.
1. Any dog – Tyrant. Dogs have been subservient to humans for too long. Look what we’ve done to their genome! They used to be efficiency personified, and now some of them have f**ked-up noses and lungs, all for the sake of our entertainment. I will not stand for it, and neither will our canine overlords. The fun ends today. The Year of the Dog begins.