MATTHEW BAUM
Scallion Editor
The fall semester is coming to a close, and a typical indicator of the season is the image of stressed students trudging from one class to the next, their thoughts full to bursting with half-forgotten class subjects and project deadlines. Oddly enough, however, a new phenomenon has started to take hold of the student body of SUNY Fredonia.
Students can be seen dancing out of classrooms and into the harsh December sunshine, shaking and shimmying shamelessly. All through the footpaths and sidewalks of the campus, one can hear music playing faintly from every direction, full of syncopated rhythms and innovative basslines. Stranger than all of this, though, is the collective mindset the university population has started to accept — an unbreakable sense of chill, unwavering in the face of upcoming stressors.
They’re calling it Funk Fever: a collection of symptoms that, though seemingly harmless, come together to form a disco-centric apathy that threatens the median GPA of the student body. As the infected begin to show signs of infection, they begin to drop some of the immense pressure that is placed upon them, and this results in lower grades caused by fewer assignments turned in on time. The best estimates for this outbreak of Funk Fever have been chalked up to airborne precautions being brought down over the past several months; with COVID numbers trickling down, it seems as though the boogie-bug has been creeping up under our noses.
This isn’t the first time Funk Fever has landed in SUNY Fredonia. Sources show that the class of 1963 had one of the highest infection rates in the entire state their senior year, with a whopping 19% of the class qualifying for graduation that spring.
When asked about potential ripples that may derive from this recent surge, Dr. Ignacio Laurencio Ipps of the New York Committee for Infectious Diseases said that the best solution is to “funk it out,” and that there is no medicine on the market that can “stomp out the heat of the beat.” It should be noted that Dr. I.L. Ipps was wearing bell-bottom jeans and a silky purple lab coat during the interview, and refused to answer any other questions, stating, “My body is my captain. I’m a private, and these vibes are rockin’ the boat!”
As far as advice goes, there’s nothing to do except let the urges pass, and stay aware of the coming end of the semester. Until next semester, we at The Leader invite those reading to keep calm and funk it out.