The Leader
Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes 2/8

JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag

Welcome back! How’re you settling in? Oh wait, I’ll tell you! In fact, I’ll predict how this semester will go for you.

Aries: You’ve decided that your goal for the semester is to find every liminal space on campus and meditate there for an hour straight to see how it will impact your soul.

Taurus: You’re gonna sign up for every single club you can possibly join during the spring semester because you remembered you have free will.

Gemini: Careful around cars. That’s all.

Cancer: You’ve been planning for Valentine’s Day since you got back. Whether it be because you love it or hate it, you know you’ll have something to do that day. Aww, no one cares as much as you do! 🙂

Leo: You’ll become completely decided on whether you are a cat person or a dog person, and you won’t stop talking about how you want a dog or a cat for weeks.

Virgo: I hate to break it to you, but this semester will go exactly how last semester went. Long, boring and quite frankly, you can’t wait to get an interesting school year. Where’s the drama, babe?

Libra: You’ll make new friends! As long as you aren’t annoying. Haha! 🙂

Scorpio: You’ve decided to do all of your work on time, even early! Let’s see how long that lasts. Have you failed yet? Probably. It’s the thought that counts.

Sagittarius: YOU’LL KISS SOMEONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Capricorn: You’ll form an anti-Glee and a cappella club. Sue Sylvester, is that you?

Aquarius: You’ll start to binge watch or read a niche series that literally no one knows about. Have fun writing down your thoughts in a journal because no one wants to listen to you!

Pisces: You’ll find a love for baking, and you’ll be reeeeally bad at it. But at least you can share some underbaked cookies with your friends.

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