MATTHEW BAUM
Scallion Editor
As the various lackluster February holidays have come and gone, the next big event for college students and real people alike is the observance of St. Patrick’s Day.
Devout Christians spend the day observing the life and deeds of the long-passed bishop for which the day is named, and those slightly less devout have provided for themselves an excuse to start drinking at 9 a.m. and bother anyone not wearing green, all in the name of the guy who brought about a culling of pagan ‘snakes’ that inhabited Ireland.
This form of rowdy drunkenness and impolite behavior is to be expected in college towns across the country, and Fredonia and Dunkirk officials are starting to prepare for the onslaught of loud frat boys and their lectures about how they’re literally the most Irish people they know. All that being said, there is one here at SUNY Fredonia who has taken to the holiday spirit just a touch early.
Ryan Witmer, a junior music industry major, has already done all of the expected prep for anyone going out of their way to be the life of the St. Paddy’s Day party, by dyeing his hair and beard red, as well as dyeing his chest hair red and ordering over a dozen kegs of Guinness stout and a gallon of green food dye. His four roommates, all of whom tried to convince Witmer to pump the brakes on the whole getting-ready-for-a-holiday-a-month-before-it-happens thing, are left clueless with how to respond.
“Yeah, it’s normal for Ryan to make a big deal about parties and stuff, but this is next-level,” said Cliff McCreary, Witmer’s friend and longtime partygoer. “He’s always got something planned for the weekends, and I love tagging along, but this is just too much, you know? He’s painted the entire inside of our living room green, and he didn’t even ask our landlord if it was okay! We’re gonna lose the security deposit!”
Witmer’s fanatical antics have transpired to odd behaviors in class. During his African Drumming class, he proceeded to go around to each student and pinch them if they weren’t wearing green, making odd faces and cooing in Gaelic the entire time. The professor of this class, though, seemed entirely unfazed.
“There’s one every year, and frankly, I’m not that surprised it’s Witmer,” Dr. Lindsay Knuckle said. “He was a little too quiet when the semester started. I think his embracing St. Patrick’s Day so much this year is his version of trying to connect with his peers on a deeper level, by asking his peers to dig deeper into why he’s doing what he’s doing. I hate to say it, but I wanna see what he does next.”
For those of us with plans to go out and share a pint in honor of an old-timey Christian who probably did not have the greatest relationship with the native Gaelic tribes of Ireland, remember to pour one out for Witmer, and be sure not to do anything he wouldn’t.