HUNTER HALTERMAN
Track Star*
Contrary to popular belief, presidential candidates should not be judged on how well they can run our country. Instead, they should be judged on how well they can run a 100-meter dash.
It is 100 meters of not just sprinting, but also courage, determination and willpower. It shows skill.
All of these are qualities desired for our future President of the United States.
So when you’re sprinting to the polls in November 2024 to cast your vote, this article should serve as a completely unbiased guide.
Democratic Candidates
Robert F. Kennedy Jr., age 69, is definitely a contender to come top five in the 100m dash.
On June 25, 2023, Kennedy Jr. posted a video to his X (formerly Twitter) of himself shirtless doing pushups. Whether he was doing them well or not is up for debate. Although it is inarguable that for being 69, he looks pretty fit.
Will Kennedy Jr. finish the race in first place? No, probably not. But he is certainly not coming last.
In a heated forum on Quora, it was determined that the average person can run 100m in approximately 18-22 seconds.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is going to do it in 17.
Next up for the Democrats is Marianne Williamson, age 71.
At first glance, Williamson seems like she could sprint a speedy 100 meters, as she is a mother and mothers are fast.
She is a writer, however, and writers do spend a lot of time at the desk.
If this was a writing competition, Williamson might win. But this is a 100m dash and the experts (me) predict she is going to finish it in 24 seconds.
Finally for the Democrats, we have the current president Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., age 80.
If you’re thinking that there’s going to be some big surprise and Biden is going to win the entire race, you are wrong.
Most of America has seen the video of Biden riding and falling off his bike in Delaware from 2022.
Fortunately for Biden, this is a 100m dash and he is running instead of riding. His coordination might be a little off, but as long as he can stay running in a straight line, he’s going somewhere.
In support of President Biden, it has been rumored that he has a strict morning workout schedule consisting of weightlifting and cardio.
Taking everything into consideration, Biden is going to cross the finish line anywhere from 25 seconds to two minutes.
If there is ice cream at the end, he might even steal the race and set a world record.
Republican Candidates
Immediately, Asa Hutchinson, Tim Scott, Larry Elder, Perry Johnson, Nikki Haley, Will Hurd and Mike Pence are not making it to the top five.
This isn’t due to any big research into their fitness regimen or anything of the sort. Rather, it’s due to the fact that they simply look like they can’t run fast. Every Republican candidate listed above is clocking in at over 40 seconds. Period.
Ryan Binkley, on the other hand, looks like he would be a formidable opponent.
Currently age 55, Binkley is one of the younger competitors candidates this track election season.
Growing up, Binkley played high school football as a linebacker and tight end. These are two of the positions that are not known for running that often, so his football career only helps him a little bit.
With everything stated, Ryan Blinkley is another strong contender for top five alongside Robert Kennedy Jr.
Binkley is finishing the race in 18–22 seconds — perfectly average. Because that’s what he is to me.
Moving on, the next Republican candidate is Doug Burgum, age 67.
At first glance, Burgum doesn’t seem the fastest. But in 2022, he did assist the National Foundation for Governors’ Fitness Councils (NFGFC) in getting fitness centers placed in three schools.
Does this improve his time? No! He may have bought fitness centers for three schools but has he gone to one himself? We don’t know.
Because of this, it’s a toss-up. Doug Burgum is finishing the race in either 20 or 35 seconds, nothing in between.
This takes us to Chris Christie, age 61.
Starting in his childhood, Christie had a long-term battle with obesity, but has recently made some changes to turn himself around.
Although he did start off with a surgery that removed 40 pounds, Christie also focused on a stricter diet and a more refined workout schedule, going to the gym four days a week.
In the gym, he would do a multitude of exercises, including cardio. In the end, he managed to lose nearly 100 pounds and I congratulate him for it.
That being said, Chris Christie: 36 seconds.
Next up on the track there’s Corey Stapleton, age 56. I thought this guy was a country singer from Kentucky, but apparently that’s some different guy named Chris Stapleton.
Stapleton, the presidential candidate, is actually also a country singer in the band “Corey Stapleton and the Pretty Pirates.” It’s true, look it up.
Outside of the country band, the experts (that’s me) are unsure about Corey Stapleton. Our prediction: 29.8 seconds.
For Chris Stapleton, 29.7 seconds.
Next up, Ron DeSantis.
41 seconds.
Moving on, the next Republican candidate is Vivek Ramaswamy, age 38.
Ramaswamy already has something going for him — being born after 1980. That’s something none of the other candidates can say.
Being the young and spry fella that he is, he’s already above most of the other candidates in the rankings.
There’s one problem though — he’s from Ohio. And that’s bad.
Taking this into consideration, Vivek Ramaswamy might make the top five but is definitely towards the five.
In the end, he is finishing the race in 19 seconds.
And finally, the moment everyone was not waiting for, Donald “Big D” Trump.
D-Man is that type of guy that doesn’t get much exercise. He doesn’t want to be like those gym-goers that “get their new knees when they’re 55 years old.”
But let’s address the elephant in the room: D-Swizzle is pretty rich.
D-Spot doesn’t have to run the race if he pays someone to do it for him. But he wouldn’t do that.
He’d pay multiple people. A whole team. An entire team of Olympic-level sprinters.
Are they going to say yes? That depends on how much Trump Dawg pays.
With the team, Trump is easily coming in the top five, at maybe 16 seconds to account for the switching of runners.
If they say no and he’s running himself, he’s finishing at an easy one minute and nine seconds.
Other Candidates
Cornel West of the Green Party is immediately ruled out just for being a member of the Green Party.
History knows that an independent party won’t win in America. Them’s the rules.
Last and certainly not least, there’s me: Hunter J. Halterman — the “J” stands for “just quick enough.”
I may not be old enough to be a 2024 presidential candidate, which already eliminates me from the race, but I did run the 100m dash in high school. And I did pretty well.
I was just above average, clocking in at a crazy 14.9 seconds.
Could I run that quickly today? Absolutely not.
If high school Hunter were able to time travel to the current day, he would outrun all of the candidates.
But he can’t time travel, so it looks like college Hunter is simply going to struggle.
Out of our list, our top five are Robert F. Kennedy Jr (17 seconds), Ryan Binkley (18–22 seconds), Vivek Ramaswamy (19 seconds), Donald Trump’s team of Olympic runners (16 seconds), and me from high school (14.9 seconds).
So please keep this in mind when you cast your vote.
#MakeAmericaSprintAgain
*Because his mom said so