DAN GRANADOS
Business Manager
DAN QUAGLIANA
News Editor
Hello, this is Timmy Toni, reporting back from the DNC (Dan National Convention). We have two extraordinary candidates for this race. Running for the position of “King Dan,” we have Dan Granados, from the Business Party, and Dan Quagliana, from the Editors’ Party.
Both candidates sat down with me at William C’s to get their viewpoints out there, and to do a little bit of light pestering of each other — totally nothing like the recent Republican debate.
Timmy: So, er, Dan, let’s start off with each others’ strengths. What is one compliment you would say about the other?
Dan: You certainly are one of the business managers of all time.
Dan: You have a knack for expediting the speed of things, such as the shrinkage of my Grinch heart. I applaud you.
Dan: Shrinking things is indeed something I do well — what do you think I did to our budget deficit before you got here?
Timmy: All right, people, I said “compliments,” not –
Dan: Look, man, I’ll do whatever gets me paid at the end of the day, so I don’t need to pay any mind to your Bad News section.
Dan: What did you just say about my section?
Timmy: Excuse me, can we just carry on with our discussion?
Dan: Yes, I would love to.
Dan: *yawn*
Timmy: …Anyway, why do you each think that you should win the King Dan position?
Dan: I like money.
Dan: Yes, and I like power.
Timmy: So, in that respect, you’re both just average politicians?
Dans: Yes.
Timmy: We’re all doomed.
After the debate, I sat down with each of the Dans individually, to see the policies they have in place for our country. The following is the transcript.
Timmy: So, Dan, I heard about your background in life, especially in school. With hearing about your intricate school life, what is your plan for education if you were elected?
Dan: I think that the government should institute a national curriculum, so that we get rid of a lot of redundant classes that our students are taking. A lot of things that they’re learning in school, for instance, aren’t actually needed in real life. I also think that student engagement is on the down-low, so we need to get students more involved in activities outside of classes.
Timmy: What kind of activities?
Dan: Pass.
Timmy: OK, then… What are your financial plans?
Dan: This country is in a major, major financial crisis. We are literally bleeding money, and we don’t know where the wounds are. So, I have created a plan where we simply make more money. The mint makes the country’s money, correct? So if we print more, and then use it to fix our budget, we’ll be fine.
Then we talked to Dan. Here is what he had to say.
Timmy: You were very adamant about the changes you would make to the education system. What would you do?
Dan: Gorilla Exhibition. I don’t feel a need to elaborate, for if you disagree, you do not represent the true progression of this nation.
Timmy: Ah… all right. Well, anyway, what do you plan on doing with our finances? We need a clear plan as to what our financial situation will look like.
Dan: Have you ever seen “The Lorax”?
After this conversation I decided to prematurely end the interview and move out of the country, as I do not wish to have either Dan as King.