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[SATIRE] A football guide for Swifties

MATT VOLZ

Sports Editor

Graphic by Nicole Thorson, Art Director.

I used to be the only one who liked football and Taylor Swift.

I can remember a time where I wore my Josh Allen jersey and Taylor-inspired friendship bracelets, confusing the heck out of everyone who passed by.

I was the one and only “Football Swiftie,” if you will.

Nope.

Not anymore.

Now that Swift and Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce are dating, everyone and their mother has suddenly become obsessed with the Chiefs.

(Not my mother. My mom is still a loyal Bills fan.)

I understand that many new “Football Swifties” might not be too familiar with the ins and outs of the game, so I thought that, as the sports editor, I could break it down for you.

Are you ready for it?

RULES OF THE GAME

When the offense gets the ball, they move down the field in a series of plays collectively known as a “drive.”

(Please save the “Getaway Car” references for the end, thank you.)

To start the drive, the offense has four chances to get 10 yards. 

This is known as “first and 10.”

If they do so, the down and distance will reset to first and 10.

But, as I mentioned, you only get four chances. 

If a team does not get past that yellow line on your screen in the first three tries, and they’re close enough to the endzone, they will bring out their kicker for a field goal.

But, if they aren’t close enough for a field goal, they will use fourth down to punt the ball back to the other team in hopes of giving their opponent poor field position.

So, yes, there is a player on the team whose entire job consists of giving the ball back to the other team.

I can practically hear people poking fun at the Bills, saying, “Isn’t that what Josh Allen does?”

Haha. 

Very funny. 

Now get out. 

No Bills slander is allowed here.

SCORING

I understand that many of you may be wondering: “Why is scoring so weird in football? Shouldn’t a score only be worth one point?”

I don’t know. Don’t blame me.

As an offense, your goal is to score a touchdown. This happens when a player catches the ball in the endzone or carries it into the endzone.

Touchdowns are worth six points, but in football, you get an encore performance after scoring one.

What comes next is called the “PAT,” meaning point or points after touchdown.

Typically, a team will bring out their kicker to kick the ball through the goalposts for one extra point.

As I mentioned earlier, the kicker can also be called upon to kick a field goal if your offense isn’t close enough for a touchdown. 

Those are worth three points.

Sometimes after a touchdown, the coach will decide to go for two extra points.

When this happens, the team will get the ball two yards short of the endzone with the goal of scoring, the same way you would try to score a touchdown.

So, if you score a touchdown and successfully complete a two-point conversion, you would come away with eight points on one drive.

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