MEGAN KIDBY
Scallion Editor
Ding dong, Dianne Feinstein is dead!
Dianne Feinstein, the 90-year-old former senator, passed away on Sept. 23, 2023 and people fought for her spot on the Senate. Even though Laphonza Butler acquired the spot, she does not intend to permanently fill it.
Thus, an opportunity arises.
As the political expert of The Leader (eat it Dan Q), I have some ideas on who should and should not take that spot once she leaves. Here are my thoughts.
The Shoulds
Grimace: Grimace could honestly do it. Imagine all of the old dudes and ladies just sitting around and then in pops the gigantic, purple fuzzy triangle in a suit who wants free healthcare for all. Did y’all know that according to McDonald’s, Grimace is supposed to be the “embodiment” of a milkshake? WE NEED THAT IN THE SENATE. Maybe the sight of him could finally be the thing that does Mitch McConnell in? Purple people rise up and get Grimace on the Senate floor.
Megan Kidby: Now hear me out…I know I am not old enough and I do not live in California but I could absolutely do this. If George Santos can lie about almost everything on his resume and still stay in Congress, I think I can just lie about both my age and my home state and still be a senator. Plus I’m really good at interviews. “MEGAN… Do you like our government?” “No comment.” “ MEGAN…Do you think you could gather all the young people and stage a coup in which we take over from the inside?” “ No comment.” “MEGAN…how are you so cool and amazing and pretty?” “No comment ;).” It’s so easy. If not Grimace then it has to be me.
Vermin Supreme: He’s the only presidential candidate to release his dental records and I personally think that says something. I want someone running our country who will pass a law requiring people to brush their teeth. He’s also very conscious of the zombie apocalypse and has a zombie-based energy plan for when the time comes. I also personally like his style. I think the boot on his head really brings out the color of his eyes. He also promises a free pony for every American soooooo I say that he is a winner. GET HIM IN THERE Y’ALL I WANT MY PONY.
Literally ANY Libertarian: Y’all do not understand how based their takes are. I watched a Libertarian debate where someone got booed for saying that people should get a driver’s license in order to drive a car. As a person who does not have a license but wants to drive I say that they need to get their ideas out there. Vermin Supreme said that Libertarians “are just about abolishing the government and letting shit fall where it may” and honestly that’s what we need in the senate. Maybe they can start that coup that I have no comment on? Who knows?
The Shouldn’ts
The Devil: Ted Cruz already has a seat, he doesn’t need another one.
Megan Kidby: I’ve changed my mind. I don’t actually want to run. Today I realized that if I get even the tiniest bit of anger or anxiousness in my body, I start violently shaking and I don’t want anyone seeing me like that because they’ll think I’m weak. That is not a valid thought to have but most politicians rarely have a valid thought.
There you have it! My opinions that I will not have challenged by anyone else. Want to fight me about it? Meet me outside of Sunny’s at 12 am. I’ll definitely show up and fight instead of just staying home and avoiding conflict like I normally do.