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[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What does the month of March have in mind for your sign?

JACE JACOBS
Assistant Editor of The Scallion, Chloe Kowalyk’s Least Favorite Staff Member (Apparently)

Hi guys, welcome back to another edition of Jace’s super great and awesome horoscopes. At our last e-board meeting for The Leader, our editor-in-chief told me I needed to “make the horoscopes shorter” and “edit myself.” I think this means I’m about to lose my job, so if this is the last time you hear from me, don’t be surprised. In the spirit of keeping things brief, I don’t have a specific theme this week, so I’m giving the signs some insight into how the month of March will shake out for them. Good luck y’all. 

Aries

It’s your season, congrats.

Taurus

Change is upon us /pos.

Gemini

Find a new job, rebrand yourself, fall in love, etc. 

Cancer

Time to make a five-year plan! 

Leo

Use your communication skills for good, not evil.

Virgo

It’s all about the Benjamins, baby! 

Libra

Learn from your past mistakes and ditch the dead weight.

Scorpio

Your life is about to be like a movie.

Sagittarius

Please stop trying to multitask.

Capricorn

Pick up a new hobby and ditch the old drama.

Aquarius

Get ready to step out of your comfort zone, the time is now.

Pisces

Ask them out around the 11th.

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