MEGAN KIDBY
Scallion Editor
In a groundbreaking upset, Jace Jacobs, the Assistant Scallion Editor for The Leader, has graduated.
After this tragic loss of our previous assistant, the editorial board of The Leader has announced the search for a new writing assistant for its highly esteemed (read: barely tolerated) satire section. This unprecedented opportunity promises the chance to work alongside some of the greatest minds in comedy who still have to Google “How to be funny.”
Job Description:
- Hours: Whenever you feel like it, but mainly nights and the occasional existential crisis. Also, note that the sports section will talk to you about the newest Taylor Swift drama as soon as you walk into the office.
- Pay: Nonexistent. You’ll be paid in exposure (And no, you can’t pay rent with it).
- Responsibilities: Include, but are not limited to, coming up with puns that would make your grandpa proud, finding new ways to make fun of current events and perfecting the art of writing fake news that’s more believable than real news.
Requirements:
- Sense of Humor: If you’ve ever laughed at a knock-knock joke, you’re overqualified.
- Thick Skin: Our readers are known for their constructive feedback, such as “You suck!” and “My cat writes better than this!”
- Creative Genius: If you think Shakespeare was too mainstream and Kafka too cheery, we want you.
- Self-Starter: Must be able to generate 100% of the content while the editorial team takes all the credit.
- Starbucks Dependency: Must drink an unhealthy amount of Starbucks. If your blood type isn’t peach green tea lemonade, don’t bother applying.
Preferred Qualifications:
- Experience in avoiding real work while appearing busy.
- A deep understanding of sarcasm and irony, preferably developed from years of dealing with internet trolls.
- Ability to use humor as a defense mechanism to mask deep-seated insecurities.
What We Offer:
- Office Perks: Unlimited access to the coffee machine (if you bring your own coffee), an assortment of broken pens and a stack of cut-up Leaders we used for collages.
- Team Atmosphere: Join a close-knit team of misfits, outcasts and the guy who still thinks fart jokes are the pinnacle of comedy (looking at you, Dan Q and Matt).
- Career Advancement: The potential to move up to Head Scallion Editor, or as we call it, “The Big Jester.”
How to Apply:
Send a cover letter, and a joke that makes us snort coffee out of our noses to theleader@fredonia.edu. Bonus points if you can make our advisor Elmer laugh — I need to get on his good side.
Applications will be accepted until I can find someone who can tolerate me. Apply today, because if you don’t, I’ll be forced to keep making terrible jokes on my own.