MEGAN KIDBY
Scallion Editor
What if I told you that I knew how to get through the horrors of college life?
I know you don’t believe me. You’re probably saying “Megan…this is your fifth year of college, and you can’t even pass Music Theory III. How are you going to help?”
First, ouch. Second, the five years I’ve had at this college has made me a perfect mentor for the young little freshies who need my help. I was here during the before times (RIP Tim Hortons) and I know a thing or two about this campus. Don’t believe me? Keep reading to hear my amazing advice.
Ignore the (many) Boil Water Orders.
Listen…you have to get minerals in your body somehow. Why not get them from the delicious Fredonia tap water? Who cares if there’s gross stuff in there? I say you get sick now so you won’t get sick later. I’m like those moms who have kids with chickenpox cough on their kids so they don’t get it in the future. Just look at me! I drank water that wasn’t boiled properly and I got Hepatitis A. Now I won’t get it in the future…right?? RIGHT???
Get in the Starbucks line if it’s going out the door.
Don’t worry about the Starbucks workers who haven’t been able to go on their break! They only have four more hours to work before they can go home. I’m sure you’ve done worse. Get in the line when it’s backed up to the Cranston Marché stairs. 90% of gamblers quit right before they make it big. GET IN THE LINE. Honestly…the matcha latte is worth it though.
Stay in those toxic roommate situations.
Is your roommate f*ck*ng crazy? Do they pretend to drink a bottle of 405 cleaner as a prank? Stay in the room!! Don’t worry about your mental health and your safety. Think about how bad they’ll feel when you leave. You can’t do that to them. You can fix them, and if you can’t fix them…die trying.
Tell Bills fans that you hate the Bills.
They LOVE when you talk to them about your favorite football team that isn’t the Bills. Especially if you’re a Dolphins fan. Make sure to talk to them about every single loss they’ve ever endured. Bonus points if you talk about how Taylor Swift makes the football broadcast so much better.
Go to class if you have COVID-19.
You’re telling me that you’re planning on staying HOME???? Because you’re SICK?????? HOW DARE YOU? I trekked through 500 feet of snow barefoot during the 1920s because they didn’t cancel school. If I can do that then you can go to class with a 100 degree fever. Make sure to cough on everybody in the classroom so they get COVID earlier. Again…chickenpox mom.
Hopefully these ideas help you survive the beautiful experience that is life at SUNY Fredonia. One day we will all turn to dust, and with this advice you will turn into dust slower than you would normally. Love you pookies <3