ABIGAIL MILLER
Editor-in-Chief, Two-Star Comedian
Yes, I added another star because The Leader staff told me I was being too hard on myself. Also, I made Scallion Editor Megan Kidby laugh so I’m still riding that wave.
In other exciting news, Starbucks has officially released their fall menu. And who would I be if I didn’t let you know which drink encapsulates you?
Which Starbucks fall menu item are you?
Gemini: Pumpkin Spice Latte
As a fellow Gemini, I recognize the ways in which you are both loved and hated. Some people find you to be the best thing since sliced bread and will reach for you until the winter menu boots you out. Other people will be so all-consumed with the pressure not to conform that they will hate on you because of the love you receive, in a phenomenon I like to call “they hate you ‘cus they ain’t you.”
Aries: Apple Crisp Oatmilk Shaken Espresso
That’s that me espresso. No, actually…that’s that you espresso, because this is you in a drink. You’re a potent punch of energy, bursting at the seams with distinctiveness and creativity that marvels your dairy milk peers.
Taurus: Baked Apple Croissant
You may not be a drink, but what you lack in liquidity, you make up for in softness. You are sensitive, but that may be the exact reason why everyone around you finds you to be a safe space. You understand what it is to be vulnerable and you welcome it with warmness and soothe its sharp edges with butter.
Libra: Iced Chai Latte
My darling, you’re a classic. Widely adored and not overbearing, you flavor with sweetness the lives of everyone who greets you.
Pisces: New Raccoon Cake Pop
While not a drink, you are still something that a select few look forward to during this time of year. A very select few. However, you know your worth. You’re expensive and maybe that has something to do with your luxuriousness. What you have nothing to do with, though, is fall itself. You just don’t have an interest in the fall season.
Scorpio: Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew
On your cup, it says “that first sip feeling.” But what it really is, is that first sip jumpscare. Bold and strong, you make a statement with everything you do. Subtlety is not your forte; you’d rather attack the taste buds confidently and with your own style.
Capricorn: Apple Crisp Oatmilk Macchiato
Who doesn’t love a warm drink to calm the itch in the throat they got from living with hundreds of people in the dorms? Well, evidently the majority of students, because nobody ever seems to get you. You’re left to be by yourself often, but at least you have the company of your twin (fraternal, of course): Iced Apple Crisp Oatmilk Macchiato.
Sagittarius: Hot Chai Latte
Finally, it seems that people are understanding you. There are still those occasional people who mess up your name, saying they’d like a “Chai Tea Latte” but for the most part it seems that people have come to realize the true meaning of chai…the true meaning of you. I understand you, and I see you the way that you are.
Virgo: New Iced Apple Crisp Non-Dairy Cream Chai
Either you’re fake or you’re a copier. When an Apple Crisp Oatmilk Macchiato exists, why feel the need to broaden the non-dairy universe? You are cognizant of those around you and respond to people’s (non-dairy) needs. So much so that it makes me dislike you. You’re too nice.
Aquarius: Iced Apple Crisp Oatmilk Macchiato
Okay, so you’re more popular. Your fraternal twin, Apple Crisp Oatmilk Macchiato, tends to live in your shadow. But you can’t help it. People want something cooling before the temperature starts to drop and who are you if not ice cold?
Cancer: Iced Pumpkin Cream Chai
More subtle than some of your pumpkin-flavored counterparts, you add spice to the lives of the people around you in a way that is mindful…cutesy…demure, even.
Leo: Iced Blonde Vanilla Latte
You have nothing to do with fall. But not in the same way as Pisces; you hate fall and it hates you. You’re fond of stable things. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, and the regular Starbucks menu has never seemed broken to you.