ABBIE MILLER
Editor-in-Chief, absolute zombie
Yes, I am back to give you your horoscopes. No, I haven’t slept since I wrote the last ones. I don’t know if it’s just me, but between my three papers and an exam that are all due at the end of this week, I feel like college has really been hitting everyone hard lately. So I’ll do what I always do when I am stressed and in need of a break: reminisce about my youth. Long ago were the days where I would sit in middle school study hall and play Papa’s Freezeria on Cool Math Games without a care in the world. If adulthood has got you down, perhaps knowing what Papa’s game you are will give you solace.
Aries
Papa’s Burgeria
Your game was released at the beginning of what most Papa’s gamers would call the golden era. You procrastinate (we had to wait three years for your game), but in the end, you always deliver.
Taurus
Papa’s Pancakeria
As the ruler of breakfast, it’s only right that your game has to do with pancakes. From easygoing Chuck to food critic Quinn, you are able to leave every customer smiling with your talent and kindness.
Gemini
Papa’s Freezeria
Cult classic. You are constantly on the move, both in the game and irl. Things don’t always go your way. You may forget to put chocolate sauce on an order or you may over-mix your most critical customer’s ice cream, but you always pick yourself back up at the end of a shift.
Cancer
Papa’s Wingeria
I have yet to encounter a single person who has ever played this game, but this just serves as a testament to your uniqueness. You serve as an escape for a very select few who may not be very loud about it, but who are internally grateful for you nonetheless.
Leo
Papa’s Pizzeria
The oldest of the Papa’s games, you are a wise soul. As the eldest among your siblings, you are constantly looked to for advice and comfort, a burden that can be exhausting at times. As the youngest sibling myself, I may not understand you, but I do appreciate you.
Virgo
Papa’s Bakeria
Some say that you’re one of the easiest Papa’s games. I would respond by saying that no Papa’s game is “easy”. You have some easygoing aspects of your personality, but you also find value in having things be a certain way — your way.
Libra
Papa’s Sandwicheria
As someone who made sandwiches at a food service job for three years, I know that the real life experience of making sandwiches all day is nowhere near as good as the game. But maybe that’s just it: maybe you make every experience better with just your presence. Maybe you are able to make the worst of times seem like the greatest memories.
Scorpio
Papa’s Susheria
Widely revered as one of the hardest Papa’s games, you are a bit of a tough nut to crack. It takes a while for you to open up to the people around you, but when you do, they marvel at the strength that you have to overcome all of the obstacles you face.
Sagittarius
Papa’s Donuteria
While the limited amount of food items produced in this game make it quite niche, that matches you well. You’re not everyone’s cup of tea, but those that get you really get you.
Capricorn
Papa’s Pastaria
With Olive Garden’s all-you-can-eat pasta deal making its footprint on my TikTok For You page (and in my dreams), you are quite the popular commodity. Your celebrity extends both in and out of this Papa’s game, because you have so many variations. Handmade pasta is real work though, and you are too.
Aquarius
Papa’s Taco Mia
As you can tell, your game’s name is not like the others. You’re quirky, but that’s part of the reason why you stand out so much in a crowd. In a room full of imposters, you are the most genuine person among them.
Pisces
Papa’s Hotdogeria
What is more all-American than a hotdog? Your favorite holiday is the Fourth of July, and you wear clothes that have the American flag on them.