ETHAN GOODNESS
Special to The Leader
BROCK PAPKE
Special to The Leader
United States, 2024. A nation trapped in a period of perpetual darkness, with no light in sight. Every day is a civil war. People on both sides of the aisle wage endless battles with each other. Division holds an unfortunate prevalence in our lives. “A house divided against itself cannot stand,” and buddy, this house’s days are numbered.
Still, we cling to the hope that someday there might be a light at the end of this endless tunnel. The hope that someday, the wars we wage daily may come to an end, and peace will prevail. But, what if the “light” walks among us? And what if that “light” was emitting from a bulb not to be considered the brightest of the bunch? What if the light was Brock Papke, local television host and now presidential candidate?
Ethan: I’m honored to be sitting down with local television host Brock Papke, who has just announced his bid for the presidency. Mr. Papke, thank you for joining me today.
Brock: What? Oh, yeah, of course. Hey, I’m honored to be here.
Ethan: Mr. Papke, I suppose the question on everyone’s mind is “Why?” Why are you running for president?
Brock: Well Carter, I’m glad you asked abo-
Ethan: It’s Ethan.
Brock: No, it’s actually pronounced Brock, and I can spell that if need be. And to be honest… well… f*ck, you got me. I didn’t really think this far into this… let’s see… Oh! Alright, so, last week I was walking through a Halloween store, lookin’ for props for my show. Anyways, I accidentally stumbled into a shelf of skeletons and I almost sh*t myself. But, upon further inspection, I discovered something. Let me ask you, Carter, are you aware that those are fake skeletons being sold in Halloween stores?
Ethan: Brock, what are you talking about?
Brock: Exactly! No one knows about this!
Ethan: Mr. Papke, everybody knows about this.
Brock: Well, then it’s an even bigger issue than I thought. Let me ask you something, Carter, do you know how many cemeteries there are in the United States?
Ethan: No, I really don-
Brock: Over 25,000 cemeteries. Now, on average there are at least several hundred people buried in your average cemetery. Let’s say several hundred means 300. 300 x 25,000 is equivalent to 7,500,000. Do you know what that means?
Ethan: I’m afraid to learn the answer.
Brock: I would be too if I were you, but I do know the answer. That’s why I’m running for president and you’re not. That’s at least 7,500,000 Americans who are out of jobs, and I aim to change that.
Ethan: Mr. Papke, are you seriously proposing that instead of selling fake skeletons, Halloween stores now sell real skeletal remains?
Brock: Look, no one likes being unemployed. This way, we can start getting jobs back to the American people.
Ethan: Mr. Papke… I think I would like to ask another question now, only so that we may switch the topic to something else. Let’s discuss your inspirations. Who can you compare yourself to that the American people are already familiar with?
Brock: Well, let’s see. I feel like I combine elements of Eric Andre and Hunter S. Thompson, as well as a tasteful splash of Barney Gumble.
Ethan: Mr. Papke, I meant politically.
Brock: I know.
Ethan: OK. Mr. Papke, what specific skills do you possess that would make you a-
Brock: Sorry, hang on, gettin’ a phone call. Yes, hello? You again? Listen, OK, what you’re gonna want to do is buy as many shares of J. C. Penney as you can and sell any shares we own in Microsoft, all of it… Yes, I’m sure! Somethin’ big is coming, I can feel it in my bones, and you know what I think? I think it spells doom for Bill Gates and his precious company. *hangs up* Sorry about that.
Ethan: Mr. Papke, who was that?
Brock: Oh, that? That was my grandma. She used to be a Wall Street stock broker and sometimes forgets that she isn’t one anymore.
Anyways, you asked about skills.
Ethan: Yes, what skills do you possess that would make you an ideal choice for voters?
Brock: Why don’t I just show you? Check out how long I can do a handstand for.
Ethan: Mr. Papke, I don’t know if that’s a very good idea.
Brock: No, here, watch. I got really good at handstands back in college. I was the best keg-stander this side of Lake Erie. I can hold the position for about three minutes. You know one time-
Brock Papke could not in fact hold a handstand for three minutes, let alone one. Mr. Papke immediately fell over into a bookshelf, earning himself a concussion and a few nasty bruises in the process. As Mr. Papke was whisked away in an ambulance, I, too, was whisked away — whisked away to a nation where the dead need not concern themselves with job security, a nation where Microsoft fails and J.C. Penney thrives, a nation where the ability to do a handstand is the metric for eligibility to be president, but above all else, a nation in such dire straits that having Brock Papke in the Oval Office almost sounds like a good idea.
