ABIGAIL JACOBSON
News Editor (AKA Researcher of Dress to Impress)
Graphic by Isabella Rizzo | Art Director
Guys. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I hate children. Shocking, I know.
The only children I love are my nieces, nephews and the child I babysit for.
Every other child, hell no. ESPECIALLY THOSE CHILDREN ON DRESS TO IMPRESS!!!!
…What was that? You don’t know what Dress to Impress is??? Unacceptable.
Just for you, I’ll explain it once AND ONLY ONCE!
Dress to Impress is an amazing (awful) game on the popular game platform, Roblox.
In this game, you get a theme and have about 325 seconds (about five minutes) to make an outfit inspired by this theme. Then you will be rated by fellow players from one to five stars. At the end of voting, whoever has the most stars wins. Don’t forget to pose too!
Yes, I am 21 years old and instead of partying every night, I’m playing Dress to Impress. I’m not ashamed.
I got into this game from this child I babysit for. She came over one morning, around 9 a.m., and was like, “Abby, you gotta play Dress to Impress with me.” Who was I to say no to her???
So obviously we played and the first time I played I got dead last. The theme was something like Emotions so I did Joy from Inside Out.
Tell me why I got last place when someone got first wearing SWEATPANTS AND A GODDAMN SWEATER????? WHAT EMOTION IS THAT MS. GIRL????
Sorry for freaking out. It was just shocking to me.
We then proceeded to play this the ENTIRE TIME she was there, from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. With about two first place wins under my belt and FINDING OUT SOMEONE WAS COPYING MY LOOK, I was obsessed.
I went off to college, still playing Dress to Impress. Again, not ashamed.
I’m actually playing it right now, for research purposes of course.
The other day I was playing at like 1 a.m. (not ashamed) and the theme I got was news reporter.
I KNEW if I lost this theme, I would have to leave. How could I be News Editor and not win this theme???
If I lost, I would have to leave The Leader, leave SUNY Fredonia and never be seen again. It would be shameful.
So I put my whole body into that outfit. MY BLOOD, SWEAT AND GODDAMN TEARS INTO IT.
But guess what?
I FREAKING WON GUYS!!!
I won and my God, I’m so thankful because now I don’t have to jump off the face of the Earth and never be seen again.
TAKE THAT 10-YEAR-OLDS!
But guys in all seriousness, I should have way more wins under my belt. Everytime I play when I’m on call with my friends I say, “I’m cooking guys, I’m seriously cooking.”
I was cooking, but no one was eating.
Each time I got fourth or sixth OR DEAD LAST.
One time, I was playing and we were in the voting round and someone commented “dirty.” So some people responded with, “Who are you talking to?”
So then they were going back and forth about whose outfit sucked the most and blah blah blah.
The person who started it said, “Y’all are just jealous because I’m eating a steak dinner and I’m rich.”
Ms. Girl. Does it look like I GIVE A F*CK????
Someone responded with “Girl you’re like 10 go to bed.” They then responded with and I’m not lying, “I’m actually 11.”
MS. GIRL GO TO BED IT’S LIKE 12 AT NIGHT OMG!!!
She then won the game and I left. I WAS SO MAD LIKE WHAT?? GIRL’S OUTFIT DID NOT MATCH THE THEME AT ALL!!
While I still have you here, I have successfully gotten my boyfriend to play and let’s just say, WE ARE SLAYING!!
I just got first place while he got second. The couple that wins together slays together <3
Anyways, back to what I was saying before.
WHY DO THESE CHILDREN THINK THEY ARE SO BADASS AND WIN EVERY SINGLE TIME? HELLO????
Like this is crazy.
These 10-year-olds can get away with using little to no effort and win first place while I’m literally cooking each time. Then they have the audacity to tell me I SUCK?? WHEN I MATCHED THE THEME????
Hell no. Get outta here and go to bed.
If y’all were smart, you would not play Dress to Impress.
With that being said, I will be doing some more research on a different game (totally telling the truth) and if you hear me screaming, crying and throwing things around, don’t be alarmed.
The research tends to get a bit competitive.