MEGAN KIDBY
Scallion Editor
Picture via motortrend.com.
No, I do not want to see ya in a Kia.
In fact, I do not want to see these cars parked, on the road, in a driveway or even in a demolition derby. I want to see the Soul in hell where it belongs. If I go to that dreaded place I will most likely be seeing two things: A Kia Soul and an apparition of my old front ensemble instructor from my high school marching band who will ask me to play a piece I don’t remember how to play over and over again. Mr. Flahavan will actually go to heaven because he is the sweetest man I have ever known and he taught me so much and helped me through my darkest times, but there will be an evil clone of him standing over me asking me to play my old part from The Witching Hour.
Anyways, enough of my marching band rambling.
You’re probably asking yourself why I’m speaking out now? Well I’ll tell you. I went on a trip to New Orleans a couple weeks ago with Leader members Amarah, Matt and our adviser Elmer. Before Elmers lovely wife drove us to the airport I was talking to Amarah and Matt about how I was super happy we were not taking Elmers Soul because I have a disdain for the car. I also tell them about my pride in the fact that I have never ridden in a Soul in my life. We get on our flights and make it to the New Orleans airport and I volunteer to order an Uber because I’m nice and we needed to get to the airport. We grab our luggage and as we’re walking to the pickup area I check to see the car we’re waiting for. As I look at the make and model my breath hitches and I stop in my tracks.
It’s a bright green Kia soul.
As it pulls up we realize we can’t even fit all of our luggage into that stupid tiny car so some of us would have to hold our luggage with us. I would rather have watched paint dry in real time than get into that car while holding my suitcase, but for the sake of my friends (yes even Elmer is a friend) I barely fit in the car and we were on our way.
My soul hatred sadly does not run in the family. My sister is a Kia soul lover and it has caused a rift in our relationship. Every time we see a soul on the road she HAS to point it out to me and I will then make fun of it much to her chagrin. She will then tell me that the Kia soul is a good looking car and that she would get the car if it wasn’t so easy to break into.
AND THERE’S ANOTHER PROBLEM! This car is so easy to hijack and break into. If your company made a car that had a TikTok trend going around where people hijacked your cars and drove them recklessly, maybe it’s time to recall the car or at least fix the problem. Also, to the people who named the kids participating in this “trend” the Kia Boys, you missed a brilliant opportunity to name them the Kia Hamsters.
That’s right, not only did the Kia plague the homo sapien population of the world, it also reached the mesocricetus auratus population as well. Ladies, Gentleman, and Non-Binary Friends, it hit the hamsters. In 2009, the television world changed forever when those f*ck*ng hamsters popped out of that stupid car and made the Soul “cool”.
Okay I’m gonna be honest…I actually like the commercial. It was a great way to advertise the car as something fresh and new, but to then keep the hamsters around for like 8 more years without pay? It’s an atrocity and very illegal.
So there you have it! My take on the Kia soul. To be clear, if you drive a soul I do not judge you. They are affordable cars with good fuel economy. However, you won’t be saying that when the Kia Boys steal your car and decide to drive Ring Road with it. Also, for those wondering what car I drive… I don’t.
XOXO 🙂