ABBIE MILLER
Editor-in-Chief, Extremely Opinionated Individual
Since this issue is centered around opinions, I would be remiss if I didn’t give you the answers you’ve all been waiting for.
Why do I characterize the Horoscopes the way I do every issue? What was going through my head when I labeled Aries as “Papa’s Burgeria” and assigned Sagittariuses to dress as the Jonas Brothers for Halloween? Why did I warn Capricorns not to get ahead of themselves at the beginning of the school year?
With little to no explanation, find out how I rank your horoscope sign.
Gemini
#1, of course
Geminis will always hold a special place in my heart because, well, I am one! I know some people will be butt-hurt at my choice to put my own sign at the top of my ranking, but what can I say? Geminis are the best.
Aries
Second-best
While this may serve as a shock for one of the most commonly hated signs, I love Aries. They are adventurous and unapologetic for who they are, both qualities which I admire greatly. They also just happen to make amazing life partners.
Taurus
Definitely up there
Stubborn and strong-willed, you can sometimes butt heads with those around you. But your loyalty to those you love knows no bounds. You will go to the ends of the earth to protect your family, and that is a trait that puts you easily in the top five.
Libra
Part of the top 5
You make up another member of the top five signs because of your fantastic humor and strength. You are resilient and open-minded, and you make everyone around you proud to know you.
Pisces
Lower-middle
I don’t know any Pisces, which is why you are, by default, less valued by me than some of the other signs. That being said, I like fish, which is the animal that represents you, so you definitely get points for that.
Scorpio
Middle-of-the-road
In my experience, Scorpios are either very nice people or very self-centered ones, with a fine line dividing the two personalities. If you value spending time with others and connecting with their perspectives, you may be a part of the former group. If you find that you never make mistakes and that everyone around you is always in the wrong, you may be a member of the latter.
Capricorn
Towards the middle
Ricky Martin is apparently a Capricorn, and my tía really likes Ricky Martin, so y’all get points for that. I also feel bad for you because I know some of y’all’s birthdays are the day after Christmas, and that sucks.
Sagittarius
On the upper side of things
People who are Sagittariuses are friendly, considerate and always willing to try new things. I don’t know many Sagittariuses, but the ones that I do know are gems. Your music taste is immaculate, too.
Virgo
One of the greats
You are a part of the top 5 because of the strong qualities that make up those of your sign. You are incredibly intelligent and hardworking, which can sometimes cause you to push yourself too hard in order to achieve your goals. You never stop finding new ways to inspire and care for others though, which is a vastly-desired but seldom-found characteristic.
Aquarius
Lower on the list
All of the other signs are associated with cool animals like the fish (Pisces), the bull (Taurus) and the ram (Aries). What do you get? A vase. I don’t know any Aquariuses, so all I really have to go by is the item associated with your sign. And based on the fact that you’re a vase out of all (cooler) things, you cannot expect to get a good rating from me.
Cancer
Complete last
I apologize to all cancers, but I am ranking you in very last place. Every time that I hear the word “cancer,” I do not feel good. I know it’s not y’all’s fault, but what can I say? Your girl’s got trauma.
Leo
Second-last
I also don’t know any Leos but every time I hear the word “Leo,” I think of Leonardo DiCraprio, and he gives me the creeps because he only dates women younger than 25 despite being twice that himself.