The Leader
Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Which pop culture moment are you?

ABIGAIL MILLER

Editor-in-Chief, Boasting a 5-hour-a-day Average Screen Time

With the Oscars right around the corner and the Grammys, Critics Choice Awards and BAFTAs taking place last month, there is seldom a time period as rich in notable celebrity moments as now. 

Many say that the rise of the Internet and this age of celebrity stardom are eroding away at the very fabric of American society and the notion that we are civilized creatures who can resist a fascination with shiny things. 

But I’m not so sure. 

I mean, I know that our attention spans have lessened and that we are currently facing a variety of issues, from the rise of artificial intelligence to the spread of fake news. 

But at the same time, the Internet is more than this ever-growing inevitability. 

It can be an escape, a place where people come together over the fact that Demi Lovato has an alter ego named Poot and Chris Rock was slapped because of a G.I. Jane 2 joke (can’t wait to see it). 

Out of all of these distinct references that cross language barriers but which we would be hard-pressed to explain to a Victorian child, which pop culture moment are you? 

Aries 

Nicole Kidman’s AMC commercial

Hosting get-togethers and festivities with friends is a skill that you have perfected while in college, and it’s also one that’s brought you great joy. Your loved ones come to your place for magic — to laugh, to cry, to care. Remember to also care for yourself from time to time too, and do what needs to be done to protect your own peace as well as everyone else’s. 

Taurus 

Rihanna’s Super Bowl LVII Halftime Show pregnancy reveal

The caregiving aspect of your personality can sometimes be at odds with the fierceness that you present to the rest of the world, not unlike Geminis. When push comes to shove, you know how to be both the caretaker that your family needs and the self-made mega-star that better have her money. 

Gemini

Eric Mays and his behavior in the courtroom

You have a natural talent for making others laugh, but you also know when to stick up for yourself. Going to a public school growing up taught you all you needed to know about how to go low-ER when others go low. And you’ll make sure that your voice is heard, even if it’s when you’re telling others they have the floor.

Cancer

Keke Palmer saying “Sorry to this man” while being hooked up to a lie detector 

You are universally loved by quite literally everyone who comes into contact with you, and for good reason. But when it comes to your thoughts and feelings about yourself, you have the habit of drawing a blank. You hope you don’t sound ridiculous, but there are times when you just don’t know who this man is — the man (or person) in the mirror.

Leo

Pedro Pascal dancing to Devo on SNL’s 50th Anniversary Show

Is it a rendition of the running man? Is he doing calf raises for exercise? You let your freak flag fly much like Pedro Pascal lets his arms cut through the air — without embarrassment. This confidence is a quality that few possess but many aspire to, so remember this any time that you feel down about yourself. 

Virgo

TikTok edits of Luigi Mangione 

So you enjoy kicking back to “He Could Be The One” by Hannah Montana or “Daddy’s Home” by Usher. Who could blame you? You understand what it’s like to be as hated as you are loved. The feeling of being scrutinized for what you believed was the only solution to an institutionalized problem is something you know well. 

Libra

The voice reveal of Pinocchio in the 2022 cartoon remake 

You are anxious to leave Fredonia. Your countdown until graduation started the moment you saw that clock tower, turning to your dad and pleading to be on your own. “I’ve got the whole world to see,” you said. But however difficult living in the moment can be sometimes, it will prove worthwhile when you look back and are able to cherish the memories that you made while you were here. 

Scorpio

That photo of Daisy Edgar-Jones with Paul Mescal and Phoebe Bridgers in the background

I’ll be blunt. You have deep-seated romantic issues that sometimes prevent you from seeing what is right in front of you. Your tendency to self-sabotage may not lead you to remove your hand from your partner’s back instead of your friend’s, but it doesn’t take a picture or video to see that there are some issues you need to work through before you can effectively be a page in someone else’s love story. 

Sagittarius 

Fleetwood Mac’s 1997 “Silver Springs” performance 

Now I’m not a Sagittarius, personally. But time must have cast a spell on me because I won’t forget this performance. And you’re just like me in that respect. I won’t tell you whether you’re Stevie Nicks or Lindsey Buckingham, but let’s just say you know what it’s like to face the anger of a woman whose voice will haunt you.

Capricorn

The Kendrick vs. Drake beef

Sometimes, you feel as though you are on top of the world. You feel like you have just performed a hit song at the Super Bowl Halftime Show, the same song that got you several Grammys and earned you critical praise from fans and enemies alike. Other times, you may as well just cancel the rest of your tour. It’s up to you to decipher just how “Not Like Us” you are from those around you.

Aquarius

The entire “After” movie franchise 

Based off of a Wattpad fanfiction, the Harry Styles look-alike used for this film is … well, they tried. Let this be a lesson to other filmmakers and to Aquarians like yourself: You can’t outdo the do-er. So why try? Instead, embrace your own personality and admire the quirks that make you you.

Pisces

The video that Howie Mandel shared when he had COVID 

Is this COVID-related, Howie? Is it? You try to make connections between unrelated incidents sometimes, to the point that it may disturb those around you who are attempting to decipher these supposed links. At the end of the day, maybe that thing that you swore was meant to be is just a coincidence.

Related posts

[SATIRE] Local Scallion Editor runs out of ideas

Contributor to The Leader

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: How did you spend your Valentine’s Day?

Abbie Miller

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Which New Year’s resolution is right for you?

Abbie Miller

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. By clicking any link on this page, you are permitting us to set cookies. Accept Read More