BROCK PAPKE
Special to The Leader
Trigger warning: This article contains strong language and depictions of cartoon violence and injury.
In a turn of events that surprised absolutely no one, the final season premiere of “A Sitdown With Brock Papke” has been unceremoniously leaked onto the internet, setting off a chain reaction of chaos, confusion and reluctant viewership.
The leak of this final season premiere has sent shockwaves through the media landscape — or, in other words, every Fredonia media club.
In what was originally construed as an ordinary security breach or a corrupted hard drive hack, the incident quickly exploded into a full-blown scandal which we, as staff of The Leader, reluctantly had to report — mainly because we were bored. Someone, somewhere, wanted this episode to see the light of day, and all signs point to an inside job.
According to an anonymous tip, this is going to be the “Watergate of TV broadcasting as we know it right now.” From what we gather, it’s going to be the most unhinged, batshit-crazy episode of all time. Sources remain unidentified, but we have suspicions.
With the leaked episode on our hands, the staff of The Leader had a private screening of the season premiere in their office, and the reactions to the leak ranged from general confusion and somewhat positive reviews to downright refusing to acknowledge the existence of the show.
Some of the so-called “highlights” (better described as moments that left the staff permanently scarred) include:
- Brock Papke dedicated two agonizing minutes of his monologue to saying “We are so fucking back.”
- The host physically fought two of the three working cameras that belong to WNYF Television and Student Association. Miraculously, neither camera broke, which is arguably the most surprising aspect of the episode.
- Only positive review was that the audio quality massively improved from previous seasons. It doesn’t sound like a kindergartener slapped every different effect from Adobe Audition onto the audio file. Is this Papke actually improving or did he pull a Steve Jobs and outsource editors from different countries?
- After a bumper ripped straight from “Adult Swim,” Papke brought out 1997 NBA Rookie of the Year Allen Iverson for an interview, making it a spectacle with 50 confetti rockets exploding at once. The noise was so loud that the audio was peaking for a solid 30 seconds. Was Papke bringing out Hall of Famer AI as a response to the claims of using ChatGPT?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- The host asked him about “up dog” and tips for getting into crypto. Iverson, ever the professional, insisted on real questions. Papke agreed, then immediately followed up with, “Why did my wife leave me?” — derailing the interview into an impromptu therapy session.
- One of the cameramen interrupted the Iverson interview in the middle of the episode to ask to take a selfie with the guy. The episode’s least shocking moment was the cameraman’s lack of professionalism and control over his employees.
- Phill Will, his sidekick (or maybe not?, we don’t even know at this point), tries to get his contractual minute of the spotlight, only to receive a flying dropkick by Papke. The reasoning for the kick was that Papke’s chimichangas weren’t cooked correctly so he had to suffer. Will was left sweating on the floor, barely able to catch his breath, as Papke stood over him, grinning like he’d just won a prize. Will got carried away on a stretcher as Papke tried to diffuse the situation by quipping, “I’m not paying for your medical bills.”
- A few potshots were directed towards The Leader, describing them once again as “so-called journalists,” an insult so grand and profound that he said it twice more after that.
At this point, Head Scallion Editor Megan Kidby was found on the floor underneath her office rocking back and forth in horror, finding out that they were not even halfway through the leaked episode.
As she gazed at the screen, her expression was a mix of disbelief and exhaustion. The only response she could muster was a low, exhausted murmur: “I can’t… I can’t do this.”
At that moment, it became painfully clear that no one, not even the most seasoned among us, was prepared for the madness that was unfolding.
The remainder of the episode follows Papke as he attempts to carry out another interview with his usual antics, only to be repeatedly distracted by a fly buzzing around the studio.
The guest appeared confused but powered on. As Papke asked questions, the guest tried to answer, but Papke was constantly sidetracked, swatting at the fly or losing his train of thought entirely.
Despite the fly’s constant interruptions, Papke pushed on, his professional demeanor slipping as the situation grew more chaotic. The constant one-liners were hit-or-miss as the fly kept buzzing around his head.
The episode wrapped up with Papke hilariously chasing the fly around the studio wielding a chainsaw, something straight out of a “Looney Tunes” rip-off. As the fly zipped around, Papke stumbled over equipment, knocking over microphones and knocking into his guest, who could only watch in disbelief.
The scene reached a crescendo as Papke cornered the fly, only for the fly to make a last-minute escape, leaving Papke panting and frustrated.
In the final moments, Papke delivered his tired sign-off, but before he could even take two steps, he slipped on Will’s sweat from earlier, the chainsaw still running, flying up and landing on him. All that’s left is Papke’s blood-curdling screams as the chainsaw unexpectedly engulfs him off-screen, and the screen fades to black as the guest watches in horror, unable to look away.
The episode concluded and The Leader office was thick with disbelief as the credits rolled.
All anyone could do was stare at the screen with that shocking ending. Some exchanged nervous glances, others shook their heads in disbelief, but no one was willing to be the first to speak.
Despite the leaks, we were left with more questions than answers: Is this real? Did we accidentally discover the series finale? More importantly, is Papke dead?!
We, the staff of The Leader, have no clue about the status of Papke and his apparent death or Will after that brutal drop-kicking from earlier in the episode. Reports are saying that there has been an apparent falling out between the two but at this point, we are too shocked to even know if any of this is real or not. It’s all up to speculation.
Will has been unusually quiet since the leak, which is odd given his typical role of enduring Papke’s verbal tirades and occasional physical outbursts.
Do we take this silence as him mourning Papke’s death? Or could it be that Will, long relegated to the shadows, finally saw his moment for vengeance? I mean, he did get drop-kicked by the psychotic host after trying to get his moment to shine.
Was this his Deep Throat moment? If anyone had the motive to expose this debacle to the public, it’s him. But hey, we’re just so-called “journalists,” so what do we know? Too soon?
With the official release of this final season premiere looming, one thing is certain: we are not ready. We may never be ready. But rest assured, we will be here, watching, whether out of journalistic duty or sheer masochism.
And should another leak emerge, The Leader will be ready to investigate, no matter where the breadcrumbs lead. We just need at least a week to recover.