MEGAN KIDBY
Scallion Editor
The entire student body of SUNY Fredonia was thrown into turmoil this week after the administration sent out an email with the subject line “[Students] Minors,” leaving many to assume the university had made the bold decision to ban anyone under the age of 18 from campus.
The email, as it turned out, was merely an announcement regarding minor program cuts — a clarification that arrived far too late to stop the hysteria. By the time students actually opened the message, rumors had already spread faster than the frat flu.
“I thought, ‘Oh my God, they’re kicking out all the freshmen!’” said one on-edge sophomore. “I mean, I know some of them can’t even figure out how to use the dining hall, but this felt extreme.”
Resident assistants (RAs) reported widespread confusion in the dorms, with first-year students frantically packing their belongings, unsure if they were being expelled or if this was just another obscure SUNY budget cut.
“One kid tried to argue that since his birthday was in a week, maybe he could just hide in a Mason Hall practice room until then,” said one Alumni Hall RA. “I wasn’t even sure what to tell him.”
Meanwhile, local bars and liquor stores allegedly rejoiced at the prospect of an all-18+ campus.
“Honestly, we didn’t hate the idea,” admitted a bartender at BJ’s, who wished to remain anonymous. “[It] would’ve cut down on all the fake IDs.”
Eventually, a follow-up email titled “Wait, No, Not That Kind of Minors” was sent, clarifying that the message referred only to academic minors, not the complete erasure of youth from campus. By that point, however, the damage had been done.
“That was the most terrified I’ve been since the Tickler,” admitted one senior who was seen holding on to her laptop for dear life. “I still don’t trust any email with a vague subject line. What’s next? One titled ‘Majors’ that just says ‘We’re canceling all of them’?”
SUNY Fredonia has promised to be more careful with its subject lines in the future. However, sources say students remain on edge, bracing themselves for the next cryptic email titled “Faculty” or “Tuition,” which they fear may bring even worse news.