MATT VOLZ
Sports Editor, New Sabres General Manager/Owner
The Buffalo Sabres are going through it.
They’re about to miss the playoffs for the 14th season in a row, extending their record-long drought.
They’ve tried everything from different coaches to different general managers and players, but none of it has worked.
With very little hope remaining, the organization has decided to turn to the one person who can finally save them from the doldrums.
It’s me.
I’m the person.
Owner Terry Pegula has handed me the keys to the organization, saying, “Here, you take it … I’ve got a football stadium to pay for.”
With completely unchecked power, I am free to make any changes to the team and organization as I see fit.
And, oh boy, there will be many.
Buckle up.
First of all, I am firing General Manager Kevyn Adams and replacing him with someone far wiser and more equipped to build a champion.
It’s also me.
I have now taken the places of both the owner and general manager, so the question must be asked: will I also be removing Lindy Ruff as head coach and putting myself behind the bench?
Not a chance.
Ruff has coached more games than anyone else in team history.
That’s a nice way of saying “he’s put up with more crap than anyone else.”
As a lifelong fan, I would do anything for that man, so he still has a job.
Next, we’re going to be making some changes to the players in the locker room.
At the end of this season, Toronto Maple Leafs star forward Mitch Marner will be an unrestricted free agent and I will bring him to Buffalo.
It’s a perfect fit, as Marner is a Bills fan and has been to some games before.
I will give him all the money he wants, enticing him to join the Sabres by giving him a blank check and saying, “Write whatever dollar amount you want. I don’t care.”
Now that we’ve got a star forward locked up, it’s time to have some more fun.
How about recruiting some players from Marner’s favorite football team, possibly even a Most Valuable Player?
That’s right, Josh Allen will become the first player to ever play both football and hockey professionally.
How will he handle two overlapping seasons? Easy, he’ll split himself in half and be in two places at once.
For those doubting me, I’d like to point out that the man turned the Buffalo Bills into a winner.
He is capable of literally anything.
While Allen will undoubtedly provide some star power, he’s not the only Bill we’ll be adding to the team.
In fact, he’s not the only quarterback, either.
Backup quarterback Mitch Trubisky will also be strapping on the ice skates and playing for both the Bills and Sabres.
Trubisky and Marner will play together on the same line, and they’ll be joined by assistant sports editor Mitch Horucy on a deadly forward trio I like to call “Three Crazy Mitches.”
Allen, meanwhile, will play on a line with Tage Thompson and Jordan Greenway, and their line will be referred to as “Tall Dudes Who Can Do Stuff.”
This offensive group has now gone from a below-average squad to the most lethal unit the league has ever seen.
But what about the defense?
The Sabres have the fortune of boasting two defensemen who were selected first overall in their respective drafts, Rasmus Dahlin and Owen Power.
They’ve been good, but they need help.
I believe we need another top-tier defenseman in Buffalo, so why not reach for the stars and add Colorado Avalanche defenseman Cale Makar?
Makar is arguably the best defenseman in the league, and Colorado is a contending team, so you might ask: why would they give him up?
The answer is simple: I will convince them with my boyish charm and endless supply of pizza bagels.
If they say no to that offer, they’re insane.
Makar will play with Dahlin, creating what would be easily the best pairing in the league.
But what about Power?
Questions about his physicality have indicated that he should have a strong defensive partner to help him out.
I’ve got just the right person in mind.
Power’s new defensive partner will be our fearless, tough, tenacious editor-in-chief, Abbie Miller.
Fans can expect Miller, whose teammates will affectionately refer to her as “Pookie,” to shut down opposing scoring chances and stick up for the rest of the blue and gold.
It’s groundbreaking to introduce the first female players to the NHL, and Miller won’t be alone.
The team still needs to shore up goaltending, and who could serve that role better than someone who once dreamed of patrolling the crease for the Sabres?
Starting in goal, the Sabres will trot out our former editor-in-chief, Chloe Kowalyk.
Kowalyk said it was an early career aspiration to be the team’s goalie, and she would frequently practice making saves in her living room as a child.
“If I played goalie, we would only need to score once because I wouldn’t let anything in,” she said, adding that she sees herself as a hybrid of former great goalies Dominik Hasek and her idol, Ryan Miller.
The rest of the team will consist of the top Sabres players, including Alex Tuch, J.J. Peterka and the newly acquired Josh Norris.
With these changes in place, the Sabres will be a lock to not only make the playoffs, but they will go on a legendary run to the Stanley Cup.
Fueled by offense from the Marner and Allen forward lines, as well as excellent defense from the Power-Miller duo and some timely Kowalyk saves, the Buffalo Sabres will be your 2026 Stanley Cup Champions.
The blue and gold will finally win the title that Buffalo so deeply deserves, and fans can live happily ever after.